Stephenie Meyer Will Never Stop Bothering Us

Ugh, another year, another movie from the mind of Stephenie Meyer. Also today: Lots of TV pickup news, including Nathan Lane's return to the small screen. Plus, Anna Faris!

  • Hold onto your butts. And your standards of decent storytelling. Saoirse (pronounced: "I'm Irish") Ronan has been tapped to star in a movie adaptation of The Host, the masterpiece by genius novelist Stephenie Meyer. Oh good, more Stephenie Meyer tales! More thinly veiled religious moralizing and shoddily crafted narratives! More millions of dollars for this sex-shaming, anti-feminist hack! Sigh. And before you say "Ur just jelis," yes, of course I'm jealous. Who isn't jealous of a hundred-millionaire?? But I think one can be jealous while also believing, on an intellectual level, that Stephenie Meyer is an abominably bad writer with some pretty antiquated ideas about femininity and sex. Just sayinzzz. Anyway, good for you Saoirse. I'm sure it'll be huge. [Deadline]
  • Aha. So, the USA network for hospital waiting rooms has announced a slate of new shows in development, and wouldn't you know it, there are a lot of shows about people solving crimes! Just a lot of those. That's nothing new for USA, whose target demographic is people who like nothing more in life than to watch terribly lit scenes of crimes being improbably solved (think: your typical NCIS viewer). What is new for them is that they are now developing half-hour comedies, some of which have nothing to do with solving crimes! Like this one starring Nathan Lane. Yes, the Nathan Lane! For those of you who cherished every episode of Encore! Encore!, all precious twelve of them (did you know Joan Plowright was on that heap? Joan fucking Plowright??), Laney boy will be back on the small screen. Playing a struggling actor who, uh, looks like Nathan Lane. That's the hook. Oh. Hm. Er, maybe stick to cheery crime solving, USA. [THR]
  • Speaking of TV development, Lifetime has announced its new slate of shows and among them is Modern Love, from former Sex and the City writer (and Men in Trees creator) Jenny Bicks. If the title sounds familiar, it's supposed to. The series is inspired by, and will continue to be inspired by, the "Modern Love" column from the New York Times. It's about a newspaper science editor who gets moved to editing the relationship column. The catch? The editor is a man. The lead on a Lifetime: Television for Women show is a man?? That must be a mistake. Someone get this show ten CCs of Joanna Kerns, stat! [The Wrap]
  • Cute little British pip Emily Mortimer has landed the lead lady role on Aaron Sorkin's HBO pilot More As This Story Develops, about cable news. Good! I saw her trick-or-treating with her kids (and sexxxy husband) in Brooklyn last Halloween and she just looked so pleasant. HI FRIEND. Luv, Creepster. But yes, good news. The bad news: Why is that still the title? That is a terrible title! I can't even say it in my head, my brain gets all tangled up. Change that title! How about The Network? I mean, that's pretty straightforward. Or Teleprompterz. Or Studio 60 on the D.C. Strip. Any of these would work better. [Deadline]
  • Rejoice, fans of poorly lit wacky crime solving! Fox has renewed their workhorse hit The Bones for a seventh season. Though it's never been huge, The Bones has been a steady success for Fox, a network that's not really used to those. So say it with me: Hooray The Bones! Oh, and speaking of The Bones, one of its actors, Freaks & Geeks littl'un John Francis Daley, has just been cast alongside Anna Kendrick in Rapture-Palooza, a post-apocalyptic comedy. I bet you that even after the apocalypse, they'll still be airing The Bones. The Bones: Thursdays on Fox. [TV Guide, THR]
  • Comedienne of the moment Anna Faris has just been cast in The Dictator, a comedy starring Sacha Baron Cohen as both a cruel dictator visiting the US and his hapless body double. Faris will play a crunchy hippie type who meets the dictator and teaches him how to love. Sounds fun! Hopefully they'll cleverly use the music from Lohengrin at some point. [Deadline]

[Photo via Getty]