As part of our ongoing coverage of Starbucks-related danger, we bring you the sad, sad tale of a tussle between one South Florida teen and his thirsty mom. O Starbucks, how your drinks are tearing this nation asunder!
Apparently, this latest ripple in the Starbucks crime wave arose when the mother of 19-year-old coffee lover Brandon Scott Quintana "woke up from a nap with a parched throat," discovered her son's unfinished cup of iced coffee just sitting there in the fridge, "probably thought it was safe to drink," and drank it all up. When Quintana came home and discovered that his beverage was gone, he became "pissed off because he spent every cent on that coffee." A tussle ensued, and Quintana allegedly pushed his mother into a computer chair. When the cops showed up, the caffeine-deprived teen tried to argue that his mom stole his coffee from him. This argument didn't work—possibly because his mom had funded the coffee in the first place?—and Quintana was arrested for battery.
Quintana's mom reportedly tried to make amends for her unauthorized coffee-drinking by offering her son a replacement two-liter bottle of pop—which is strange, because why not offer to replace his Starbucks iced coffee? Perhaps she was afraid that someone would steal her iPad or laptop while she stood in line, or maybe even commit armed robbery against her her in the parking lot. Or maybe she was selflessly trying to prevent Quintana from having a stroke, because moms make that sort of sacrifice to protect their offspring. We'll probably get more answers if and when this thing goes to trial. In the meantime, moms and sons should stay away from each others' Starbuckses in order to avoid both fights and strokes. Seriously, you can't win with that shit.