A shocked nation recoils as Christina Aguilera dares show her face with anything less than professional hair and makeup. Victoria Beckham gets a "quinny buzz." Benjamin Millepied throws a tantrum. Monday gossip has fascist beauty standards.

  • Christina Aguilera went out with a busted weave and less makeup than usual, and now everyone is freaking out! After years of burlesque femmebot conditioning, turns out we forgot that Christina Aguilera actually has pores, and face colors that are not super-saturated. And, hmm, invisible eyebrows? "Christina's bare-ly recognizable!" And "Christina Aguilera no makeup and busted extensions—what happened?!" Poor Christina. Even when she's being ridiculed, it's for something Britney did first and more memorably. Nobody beats Miss Britney when it comes to busted weaves. [HollywoodLife, Sun, TMZ, images via Splash]
  • Eva Longoria and wiglet impresario Ken Paves threw Victoria Beckham a nauseatingly adorable baby shower featuring "pink tablecloths, pink bossoms atop round tables, pink chairs and princess cake with marzipan." The best gift was a Quinny Buzz, which sounds like a shaved vagina, but is actually a fancy stroller. Posh's Quinny Buzz is pink. [NYDN, Us, image via @victoriabeckham]
  • Pippa Middleton's reign of restrained sexiness continues, this time in a white bikini and doing a back dive. Old pictures from an Ibiza yacht party that Us just got its hands on. [Us]
  • Speaking Pippa, pornographic PR stunt shop Vivid Entertainment has offered a bounty of $5 million for an "explicit" Pippa sex scene. But what qualifies as "explicit" for royalty-in-laws? Maybe they could film Pippa using her salad fork to eat a steak, while the color drains from the Queen's face and someone fetches Princess Beatrice her smelling salts? She'll finish it off by burping at the table, then recounting how it tasted. [TMZ]

Kate Gosselin went to the Kentucky Derby costumed as an emu lingerie model. Come to think of it, if an emu had "the Kate" hairdo, it would probably look like this hat. [Radar, image via Getty]

  • Benjamin Millepied received an award, but all anyone wanted to ask him about was Natalie Portman, so Millepied threw a fit and demanded that all reporters be thrown out. Poor guy. If being overshadowed by Natalie distresses him this much now, then he's destined to tantrums for the rest of his life. [Gatecrasher]
  • Jennifer Lopez refuses to be interviewed by anyone who dares ask about her failed single "Louboutins," and whether she'll be on Glee. Obviously, everyone will now ask her about this, everywhere she goes and forever. [P6]