Bubonic plague! Gay cancer! Autistic children! Chocolate milk! Head injuries! Newborn risk! Fat war! Sex aneurysm! And the very latest semen information! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—to keep from crying!
- A dude in New Mexico has been diagnosed with bubonic plague, ruining his day, if not his entire week.
- Gay men are nearly twice as likely to report a cancer diagnosis than straight men. I think we should take the generous interpretation here: straight men just don't be going to the doctor. Or ask directions! Cause they be watching sports.
- New research indicates that many more children than previously expected may have autism. It would have been better if they found there were fewer autistic children than previously expected. What a piece of shit research thing.
- Oh they're still talking that BULLSHIT about banning chocolate milk at school? Let's see how Mr. T feels about that! I just asked him, he's against it.
- Did your kid get a head injury? Maybe you should just wait a while before giving them a head scan? Or maybe not? It's all a guessing game, with kids. There's really no wrong way.
- Newborns with low vitamin D have a higher risk of infections. Are newborns good for anything? Jesus, it's ridiculous at this point.
- This lady wrote a story about "Her War on Belly Fat" so it seems rude not to read it.
- Drinking coffee or having sex boost your risk of a brain aneurysm. Haha, but never drinking coffee or having sex will really make your brain explode! Amirite? You know what I'm talking about!
- Have more questions about the shocking new research on semen's antidepressant qualities? Read this list of FAQs, or just ask MY DICK. Haha, I had to! How could I resist? How could you resist? Haha, I had to do that too!