Gossip Girl: Crazy Like a Fox

Last night's episode of Gossipeuses told a tale of woe and intrigue, of double-crossing and pill-not-popping. Some kids are ascending to royal thrones, others are descending into pits of madness. Let's find out what happened!

Last we saw Blair, her one true love, Chuckles Bass, had put his fist through a window, sending glass shattering down onto Blair's beautiful face, scratching it. A perfect single drop of blood dripped down her alabaster cheek, and she ran away, never to speak to Chuck again. Well, except to speak to him several times in last night's episode. I don't really want to get into the creepy domestic abuse aspect of the glass-shattering injury thing — it's certainly there and it's a downer, but let's just all remember that these are a fake people and move on — so let's just say that Blair doesn't know what's good for her and keeps coming back to Chuck, despite his instability.

Well, in Blair's defense, she's not coming back to him because she wants to date him. No, she's perfectly happy with her prince. Though the prince's mom has said that if he marries Blair he will have to abdicate the throne. Blair is basically Wallis Simpson, what with her racism and Nazi-supporting. But! Blair still thinks she has a shot at convincing Princess Buttsqueeze that she's good enough to be a princess, so she's decided to take her, along with her precious Louis, on a tour of New York City. But, oops, lady totally hates New York City. "I've had enough of this ugliness," Joanne Whalley says in her best terrible French accent. Blair frowns and face-poops and says "Oh, phooey." All the princess wants to do is go back to Monaco, where everyone's white and rich. Fiddlesticks! And even bigger fiddlesticks for Blair that when she's walking with the princess she sees none other than Chuck's wicked uncle Buck Jack getting into a car across the street. Jack is in town?? She must warn Chuck, immediately! So in a deeply contrived plot point, Blair does, in fact, immediately run away to tell Chuck, and the princess shakes her head and says "Yo, Lou, she's jeepin' on you. I had my boy Murray follow her and she went to Chuck's crib right after you proposed." (This was when Chuck Hulk-smashed the window and decapitated Blair.) Louis shook his thick, Thwomp-like head and said "No, no, it cannot be true!" But his mom was like "It totally is. It totally fucking is. Go, follow her right now, see where she's at."

So Louis did. He did see where Blair was at. Blair was at Chuck. She was at Chuck so hard. No, they weren't smooshing or anything, they were just having a talk about Jack Bass the jackass being in town. Chuck already knew! See, OK. Raina, you remember Raina, she's all pissed at Chuck because she thinks his dad burned down her mom in a hotel fire like a million years ago. So she wants Chuck ruined. Thus she called Jackbass the jackass and was like "Come here and let us ruin your nephew together." So Jack showed up at a bar and was like "I presume you're Raina, seeing that you're black, and there aren't really ever black people on this show, so the black person at the bar must be you." Raina said yes and they hatched some plan to do some kind of thing and Jack waved his cape and was gone.

He ended up going straight to Raina's dad and was like "I don't trust girls with a man's job, especially a man who's been on Spin City, so let's you and I talk turkey." They hatched a plan to get Chuck committed to the loony bin, as if Chuck were Blanche DuBois. And, in many ways, Chuck is Blanche DuBois. So, perfectly good plan. Old-timey, but I like it.

But yes, Chuck already knew that Jackbass the jackass was in town and he was ready for him when he came at him. Or was he? Or wasn't he? Double-crossing! Chuck was in Brooklyn because he heard that people are living in Brooklyn these days, just a few settlers here and there, true pioneers, and he wanted to build a hotel for them. So in just a week's time he'd purchased a place and was already in the construction phase. Amazing! There he was minding his business, scanning blueprints and drinking coffee out of a hardhat and other constructiony things, and in walks Jackbass. The camera goes all hand-held and shaky, because they're trying out new "artsy" tricks with the Chuck scenes these days, and a fight ensues. Chuck punches Jackbass and then Nate runs in, shrieking like an old woman in a Western, waving his apron, bonnet flapping in the wind. He and Chuck had a fight earlier about how he threw broken glass at Blair and he stormed out and Chuck was like "If you leave now don't bother coming back," he was kicking Nate out, and Nate was like "I'm already gone." And then Nate put the engagement ring on the table and went to go cry at Patty Hewes's apartment. But now Nate was back, yelling at Chuck, and then two burly men came in and took Nate from behind led Chuck away, because I guess... I don't know why. I mean, I don't know why Chuck felt he had to go with them? But he did, so he did. Up in the rafters Raina's dad did a slow clap and said "Well-played, Jackanape. Well played indeed."

So Chuck is being sent to the funny-farm, end of story. EXCEPT IT'S NOT THE END OF THE STORY. Raina's dad goes to Chuck's apartment to meet with Jack to discuss payment for services rendered and all of a sudden Chuck is there and he's like "Ah ha, ya burnt. We fooled you!" Jack and Chuck and Nate had all teamed up (IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE, SEX) to hoodwink Raina's dad. Jack did it because deep down he really does love Nate Chuck, and he didn't like Raina's dad telling him what to do. So they all sat Raina's dad down and showed him a video that Chuck had found that showed Raina's dad locking all the doors to the hotel the night his wife burnt down. Meaning it was Raina's dad that did it, not Chuck's dad! Sins of the father! Raina's dad had done it because he thought Chuck's dad was in there and he wanted to burn him down for sleeping with Raina's mom. Tragic tale. He begged with Chuck not to release the tape, he even offered him the keys to Thorpe Corp., but Chuck just shook his head catfishly and said "No, no. You just get outta town, Buster Brown. That's what you do." Raina's dad thanked him and kissed his feet and backed out of the room, never to be seen again. Except of course he was to be seen again!

Nate went to go tell Raina that the plan to foil Chuck was off and Raina got all pissy, screaming "His dad burnt down my mom, his dad burnt her up in a fire real good!" and finally Nate had to tell her. "No, Raina. It wasn't Chuck's dad. It was Raina's dad. Meaning your dad." And Raina was so upset that she punched Nate in the face and Nate started crying and then went to go sulk in a corner for the rest of the night. Raina then called her dad and was like "Murderer! Arsonist! Thief of hearts! I hate you and the limo your rode in on! You're as dead to me as mom is dead to me. Mom's actually dead, so that makes you pretty darn dead too." Raina's dad was so mad. He silently swore revenge...

MEANWHILE, there were two parties. The first party was an engagement party for Louie and Blinks. Blair was all nervous about making a good impression on the princess, while Louis was all mad because he'd seen Blair visit Chuck in Brooklyn. Luckily Wallace Shawn was there to smooth everything over. Well actually Wallace Shawn was there for the express purpose of delivering one line with the phrase "princess bride" in it, but whatever. He told Blair's mom not to worry about the princess, he'd take care of her. He showed her his shocker hand and Blair's mom giggled and said "I know it well!" Ew. Sorry. No what he actually did is he found out that the princess is totally butt-crazy in love with birds, so he talked to her about birds all night. So when Blair went up to greet her, the princess was like "Holy shit, tweety birds. He told me about tweety boids. I love birds. Birds. I love you too, Blair. You are a bird? You can be princess, that's fine." Whoa! So all you have to do to win the princess of Monaco's heart is... talk about tweety birds. Hm. No reason I'm asking really, just curious, but is there, uh, a lot of inbreeding going on in the Monacan royal family? No reason! Just asking, in a general hypothetical sorta way. Don't get upset, princess. Look. A tweety bird. Isn't it a pretty bird? You go look at the tweety bird over there in the corner with Nate.

So Blair's in! She's going to become a princess!!!!!! Holy cats, it's all she's ever dreamed of. If only the prince was more handsome and didn't have an accent-related speech impediment. Sorry! Let's just deal with facts here because we are adults, in theory. You've all been thinking it. But oh well. The point is, it's princess time. Or is it??? Louis took Blair aside and was like "I love you but I think you are very obsessed with Le Chuck, so if you really love me, I'll be at the fundraiser for your high school that I've never been to and that you invited me to. I'll be there without you, which isn't weird at all, and you can come find me. If you come, we'll get married. If you don't come, I can go again, seriously, just give me a minute, maybe you can be on top or something." Haaa. He didn't say that last part, sadly. But yes. If Blair goes to the party to find him, she loves him. No brainer.

The other party was, yes, a fundraiser for Constance's Billiards Academy, a place we haven't visited in years! Don't we miss it so? Everyone who's everyone was in attendance, even Blair's old minions who we haven't seen in an age. Of course Blair went to find her prince but then, alls of a sudden, she got a mysterious phone call and yelled at Serena's cousin (more on her in a second) "Tell the prince I had to go see Chuck and that I'll be back in a jiff!" Ooohhhh fuckles, Blair. That's exactly what you weren't supposed to do. Why are you doing this? Well, turns out it was serious. She runs up to the roof of the school and is like "Hello? I got a phone call saying Chuck was up here and ready to jump? Hello??" And then the door swung shut and out of the shadows walked... Raina's dad! Come to exact his revenge! On... Blair. OK. See, he thinks Chuck is the one that told Raina about how her mom got burnt down, even though it was stupid girly big-mouth Nate. God, never tell him a secret ever. He's the worst, stupid old Nate. Blair got all scared and the episode ended. Will Blair die from being pushed off the roof by Raina's dad? I'm gonna say yes. I'm gonna say that's what the show's going to do.

Before we go, let's talk about Charlie, Serena's cousin, and her relationship with Dan. As we all know, Charlie is crazytown and will be some sort of villain character next season or something. For now, she's just trying to become Serena. First she "bought" a dress with her trust fund (she just went over to see grandmama to have that activated, easy as that) that looked a lot like a dress Serena already owns. Serena was like "Uh, that's my dress, take it off" at the party (just take it off right now?) and Dan was like, "You're being dumb, Serena." So Serena got all upset and went home and Vanessa was in her house for some reason and she was like "Dag, V. Charlie just totally punked me like she punked you last week." Then Rufus came downstairs and was like "I found pills that she didn't take, she's crazy." See, Charlie is supposed to be taking brain pills, but she doesn't want to take them, so she dumped them out into a novelty trash can under a fake desk in the living room. Ha, what? That's your best hiding place? Why not put the brain pills in the toilet and flush the toilet? Why not, oh I don't know, put the brain pills in a more frequently used garbage can? The trash can she used was strictly ornamental and so it was no shock that Rufus found them practically instantly. Maybe it was an obvious cry for help? The ol' decorative wastebasket cry for help? Who knows.

What we do know is that at least V, S, and Ruf the Goof now know that Charlie is crazy. And Dan might be figuring it out too. Back at Constance's Billiards Hall, Charlie was like "You should do something naughty in your old high school..." So she led him into Headmistress Queller's office and got undressed and they were to do it. It was actually kind of sexy, watching old barracuda-faced Dan get all horny and hot-and-bothered. They commenced the doing of it on Queller's desk but then Charlie was like "Call me Serena," and Dan was like "Hollllllllld up. Crazy time. Crazy lady. Never mind. Stand down, boner." Charlie knew she'd ruined it and was just like "Um... oops." And Dan ran away into the night or something, leaving Charlie alone at the party, standing on the stairs when Blair said "Tell Louis I'm with Chuck and will be right back!" Of course Charlie will not. Charlie seems to want to inexplicably ruin everything for everyone. But mostly she wants to ruin Dan's boner. Everyone wants to ruin Dan's boner.

Speaking of Dan's boner, where was Erik all episode? It seems like he's going to pop up next week, but he was, this week, once again ignored. Sad thing. If only we'd been able to see the scene where Dan, confused and blue of balls, ran to Nate's for comfort. Only to find Erik there too, splayed out in bed, someone under the sheets, nuzzling around. And then a head popped up and it was none other than Jackbass. And then Nate walked out in a silk robe, front open, holding three glasses and a bottle of champagne. He turned to see Dan, smiled a funny, strange smile, and said "Well. I guess we'll be needing another glass." I wish we could have seen that scene! It was a good scene, I'll bet. Oh well. Too bad.

Next week's the finale, and then we're done. Then summer's come (Seth likes it when she's on top) and everyone's off to places near and far. To Nantucket, to Cuttyhunk, to Shelter Island too. To Brooklyn, to Boston, to the blue burbling bay of Monte Carlo. One more week!