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Last night on Mutual of Omaha Presents The Little Engines That Can't there were a couple of parties and at both women made asses of themselves, but only one of them had a real ass. Not a donkey, Sonja Morgan's.
Hello, welcome to the Real Housewives Institute, I am your tour guide Dame Brian Moylan, filling in once again for Richard, the last of the Lawsons, who is once again writing about chaining Scotty McCreery to his radiator. But that's OK, because you have Sonja's naked body parts to keep you entertained. What's better than that?
To kick things off, the world's leading zombie hunter, Jill Zarin, went down to the West Village to hunt a pack of zombies (is that what they're called? A pack? A coven? A murder? A grumble? Who knows?) She showed up at their lair and there was a woman with enormous teeth and dark hair shambling through the hallways of a large apartment. She was holding two live babies out in front of her, each one clutched around her pudgy little ankles. It was Cindy. Then a whole crowd of zombies joined her from all the rooms of the cavernous house. They were nannies, assistants, and general hangers on. They all started shambling in their tight jeans and Ugg boots. It was just like an army of PR girls at a movie premiere, except none of them were holding clipboards and only one of them had on one of those Judy the Time Life Operator headsets. They formed a great formation like a cheer leading squad and they were all shunting back and forth, coming towards Jill with an imminent but slow-motion threat.
"Brains! Brains!" Cindy was chanting as she moved closer and closer to the door. "Brains! Brains! Brains! Oh, hi Jill. Come on in!"
That is exactly what happened. Then Cindy, trying to be all normal like she isn't a zombie at all sat Indian-style (Is that racist? I mean, against zombies.) on her kitchen counter. Yeah, that's totally normal. Then Cindy said, "That Ramona sure is a cunt, isn't she?"
And all of the sudden the canary in Jill Zarin's woke up. She was fighting the wrong war. She didn't need to keep chopping off the heads of the undead with the designer shovel she keeps in her Birkin. No, she should go after that evil witch Ramona Singer. "Know what, Cindy. I've been friends with the woman for 25 years and now that you put it like that, you're right. I should have figured it out long ago."
Then the screen went black and the opening credits started to roll for Zombies Vs. Witches, the world's least anticipated horror movie.
Speaking of horror movies, Sonja Morgan was holed up in her little mansion and thought, "Know what the problem with the world today is? Halloween doesn't come often enough. Let's have another Halloween." So she organized a Halloween in July party (because, as we learned, the Housewives can't have a Hey Let's Get Together and Have Fun Party, it needs to have some sort of stupid theme). The first step was to get an outfit, so she invited over Chris March, the lovely wig maker and costumier who was on Project Runway back when it was still on Bravo and quite good. Because Sonja did a solid for Marriage Equality at that march, the gays collectively owe her a favor. She called in her chit with the Great Homosexual Counsel and they dispatched a Licensed Makeoverist post haste (clap, clap!).
Now, Sonja admits that even though she lives in the biggest townhouse on all of E 67th St, that she is actually quite poor, so she's on a budget. She wants Mr. March to completely transform this costume that is like a slutty Venetian house maid ensemble she bought off season at Halloween World for like $37.95. The worst part is, she tells Chris she has this old wig she thought would be perfect. She pulls out this matted piece of synthetic hair that looked like a pigeon that had be run over 74 times on E 67th St. I mean, I have seen wigs pulled out of the Fire Island drag bag look better than this, and these are wigs that have been through some boozie parties, thrown in the pool, caught in a tree in the Meat Rack, lost on the beach, retrieved by the neighbor's dog, and then combed out with a device improvised out of cocktail onions and swizzle sticks. The only thing worse than a Fire Island Drag Bag Wig is a Left in the Gutter on 10th Avenue Wig, and this one was even worse than that. Chris March held it out in front of him, but not tightly like Zombie Cindy holds her babies, but like at any minute it would turn into a C.H.U.D. and try to gnaw his hand off.
While Sonja is calling in her favor with the homosexuals, Jill and HRH Crackerjacks are down at the costume shop trying on some outfits for Sonja's Never Say Never to Halloween Again Party. Oh they laugh and cackle and have themselves a great old time getting ready for the party. Here is what I never understand about Housewives: they are always so excited to get decked out for one of these shindigs and they always think it's going to be a magical evening, but when they eventually get to the party, it's like they've all been thrown into a vat of boiling oil and they just scream and claw at each other, pushing all the other women down for a chance to claw their way out of the pot. Laugh it up, ladies, but don't know you that disaster is waiting?
OK, then there is this strange interlude with Zombie Cindy and her Zombie Brother Howie and her not dead yet babydaddy Kevin. What the hell is up with Cindy and Howie? Was their favorite book growing up Flowers in the Attic or something? Why does Howie have such a strange relationship with Kevin? And what is up with the way Cindy watches over Kevin and her babies? I don't even know. This is the "Snyder's Pretzel Commenter Discussion Topic for the Week." Please fill us in below.
Back to Sonja's party. Chris March shows up at her house with an amazingly transformed costume, a mask made with giant feathers and fabulousness, and a great Marie Antoinette wig that he someone concocted out of that Nastier Than a Fire Island Drag Bag Wig. Those homosexuals are genius. After Sonja cooed and cawed over her dress, Chris March wrapped himself up in his cloak and said, "Sonja Morgan, your debt to the homosexuals has been repaid. My work here is done." And with two snaps in a circle formation he disappeared into a cloud of pink smoke and glitter.
Everyone finally gets to the party and it's going to be at Cipriani, which has more Page Six mentions than any other establishment in New York City (except for Marquee when Lindsay and Paris still lived in New York). Everyone thinks it's going to be a big old grand affair, but it's not in the main restaurant, it's in "The Vault." That's like if someone invites you to a party at Buckingham Palace but then they just have a card table and some folding chairs in the dungeon and Prince Harry isn't even around. Jill cuts on the party, the Countess found out it was in The Vault and called out of work sick (that's what attending these parties is for these ladies, a job). Kelly showed up and was like, "Sonja, this is Halloween. Where's the candy? Huh? What you got? Kit-Kats? Sour Patch Kids? It better not be Tootsie Rolls, cause those are brown and everything brown is gross."
But the real scandal happened when Sonja had to bend over to pick something up and revealed to everyone that her skirt was way too short and that her ass was totally hanging out everywhere. This is the second week in a row that we have seen Sonja's ass. We need to give this thing an intervention or something. This time, her ass had this giant bruise on it that was exactly the shape of a man's hand. And Sonja totally knew she had no knickers on, but she got drunk and bent down in front of the crowd and the cameras and everyone and showed off her big bruised ass. Oh, Sonja is such a stupid slut. God, I love her.
Then, Brian, her artist boyfriend who was dressed as a Chippendale (the furniture not the dancers but looking S to the C to the R-A-M-P nonetheless) saw the handprint on her ass. "Let me see that?" he shouted. "What, Brian. It's nothing," Sonja slurred. Brian spun her around, and bent her over the banquette as if he were going to spank her, and he flipped up her skirt and put his hand next to her ass. He wasn't going to hit her, he was comparing the hand-shaped bruise. "I knew it. My hand is way larger than this bruise. Who left it Sonja? Who?" Sonja whipped around looking a bit flustered. "It was no one," she said. "This is from when I fell off the horse with Kelly. Right, Kelly? Right?" But even as she was asking Kelly these questions, her eyes darted over to her butler Michael, who was standing in the corner holding a silver tray with a decanter of brandy with several snifters. He was standing stock straight, with his eyes locked ahead in his butler pose, but you could hear the glasses tinkling together as he started to quake. He was worried. As per usual, the butler did it.
After the party, Jill was still trying to get in good with the zombies so that they would fight the evil witch Ramona Singer, so she wanted to do Cindy a solid. "Know what you really need, Cindy? A teeth sharpening. It's so much easier to bite through those skulls if those chompers are really pointy. I know a guy, let me take you to him." So, Jill and Cindy go to the cosmetic dentist and Jill just orders the poor man around, like he's not an expert or went to medical school or anything. "Trust me," Jill says. "I know a lot about zombies from hunting them all these years, and this is what you need to do." Turns out Jill was right. She is actually an expert in something.
OK, here is where things get sticky. Ramona with her big black hat and craggly nose with a giant hair-popping wart on it goes to lunch with Jennifer. Remember Jennifer? Why would you, but she is the woman who got married in the Hamptons in the season premiere and Jill, Ramona, and Alex all went to the wedding. Somehow this wedding is the nexus of all the drama all season, which is weird considering Jennifer isn't even on the show. Anyway, Jennifer tells Ramona that Jill was yelling at her at the wedding because Alex and Simon were there and because she doesn't like that Jennifer is friends with Ramona. Now the Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side (god, I just stole a joke from Gossip Girl) is pissed that Jill was talking about her behind her back. Wait, isn't this the same wedding where Ramona got called out talking trash about Cindy's brother Howie behind his back? Isn't talking behind people's backs just the way things happen in HousewivesLand? How is she surprised by this?
Ramona waves her magic wand, and suddenly she's having a Wine Launch Party for her Ramona Pinot Grigiot. Crackerjacks shows up, but her boyfriend Balky Bartakamous had a very important wine event and couldn't attend, so Crackerjacks had to grill Ramona about her wine and how it was made and where it came from. She just wouldn't stop with the questions. Finally, Ramona broke, "God, LuAnn, this party isn't about wine. It's about me getting in a fight with Jill, so will you just can it with the questions. And you don't even know anything about wine. It's pronounced Pee-no Gree-shio, not Pee-no Grig-io. So stop acting like you know what the fuck you're talking about."
After that, Countess CJ says she can see this look in Ramona's eyes when she knows she's about to go off. It's less of a look and more of a noise. It's a rusty rustle and clank that sounds like bad industrial music or the black smoke monster approaching on Lost. No, it's not that, it's the sound of the chain of a roller coaster, taking you up that first hill. It's that rhythmic grinding of age-old machines and each spin of the cogs jostles the car a little bit and the sound is enough to get the adrenaline flowing. Things are moving very slowly, more slowly than usual, because you know what happens on the other side—that death drop, that weightless descent into the void. But this is not fun like a rollercoaster, it's like when you fall in a dream and just before you hit the ground you wake up with a start and your head is full of worry and your heart is full of dread. That is the sound a Ramona makes.
Jill walks into the room and every clack of her heels is like the roll of that chain up the Cyclone. As soon as she gets in Ramona grabs her. "Why are you talking shit about me to Jennifer? Why are you talking behind my back? Why did you make her cry on her wedding day?" She just goes off on Jill and Jill is like, "I don't know what you're talking about. Those are lies." And Ramona says, "Jennifer told me herself!" So Jill says, "I can't take this anymore," and storms out of the party.
But who does she run into on the way out? Jennifer! Jill is all, "What the fuck, Jennifer? Why did you tell Ramona that stuff?" And Jennifer is like, "Cause you said it!" Jill doesn't deny it or anything, like she just did to Ramona, she just tells Jennifer, "Well, if you have a problem with me, tell me, not Ramona." And Jennifer says, "You know I will." I kind of like this Jennifer. Why isn't she on the show?
That quickly settled, what does Jill do next? She doesn't get in a cab and go home and let everyone cool off. She doesn't brush it off, happy that her friendship with Jennifer is intact and she can hate Ramona another day. She goes back into the party. Of all the stupid moves, this is the idioticest of them all. You do not go back. But she confronts Ramona and is all, "Guess what, I worked it out with Jennifer." See, she doesn't say that Ramona was wrong, because she probably wasn't. She says she worked it out. That's when things all fall apart. Watch the clip above.
Then Ramona storms off and Jill runs to get into a cab, Crackerjacks hot on her hells. Jill is crying and she says she can't believe Ramona ambushed her again. She's inconsolable, but both Crackerjacks and her husband Bobby on the phone are trying to talk her down. But Jill is just crying and crying and not trying to go anywhere but to wallow in the pool of her own tears. She reaches into her purse and pulls out something small and furry. She tells Crackerjacks, "If you ever see Ramona again, give her this for me. It's from my trip to Australia." Yes, it is the tiny koala clip that Jill picked up in the airport after her shaming by the Real Housewives of Sydney. We thought she learned something down there, how to be a better person, how to approach this season with the equanimity that she had always exhibited before. This wasn't going to be about going back to the old Jill, no this time around, she grew. She knew the person she needed to be and she was going to do it.
But Ramona ended all that. She wouldn't take her gift, she wouldn't take this new Jill that was so above it all and Ramona wrestled her right back into the mud filling a kiddie pool in the middle of a frat party. It's the same old mud wrestling yet again. There they were, tussling for the nation's amusement, and Ramona wouldn't even take her damn koala clip.
Crackerjacks let out a little titter. "Oh Jill, keep it. You'll give it to Ramona some day. You will." But it was over, the new Jill was dead. "Are you gonna be OK?" Crackerjacks asked. "Yeah," Jill said. "Yeah, I'm gonna be fine." She made that crackly smile you can only muster when tears are drying on your face. Crackerjacks put her hand on Jill's knee and said, "I know you are." And she closed the door and watched Jill drive away, somewhere into the future, and she could swear that she could see Jill Zarin, Zombie Hunter, sharpening her stakes in the back of that car. Ready for a new day, and ready to hunt a new victim: an evil witch. And as the car slowed down to round the corner, the Countess could swear she saw one other thing. She swears she saw Jill throw that fucking koala right out the window.