Mother Nature's Driving America to the Poorhouse

So far this year, the U.S. has had to shell out more than a billion dollars to deal with the aftermath of five weather disasters caused by Mother Nature—who seems to think we're made out of money or something. Typical woman.

It's not even June, yet America's spending on high-cost "luxury" weather disasters—tornadoes, storms, and floods—has set a record, say the government and insurance companies. And there's no reason to believe Mother Nature will stop anytime soon:

"This has been an incredibly active start to the year," said Steve Bowen, a meteorologist who tracks weather disasters at AON Corp., the world's largest global insurance broker.

A new report by Bowen lists three billion-dollar disasters in April alone, which excludes the ongoing Mississippi River flooding and a blizzard that walloped the Midwest and Northeast from Jan. 31 to Feb. 2. Both are expected to cost more than $1 billion, the amount the federal government uses as the threshold to highlight the most severe weather disasters.

Hey Mother Nature, have you not been reading the news lately? Of course you haven't, you've been too busy whipping up storms and tornadoes to care about anyone else's needs when you're not at the Six Flags spending our last dollars on rides and food. But if you'd bothered to read the Internet, you would have noticed that America's bleeding wealth. We can't support any more of your violent emotional outbursts, your torrential crying jags.

Why don't you go and get a job so you can pay for these disasters yourself? Or sell some crafts on Etsy, make some money that way. Actually, I have a better idea: maybe it's better if we just get a divorce. Then you can go marry some rich guy who can afford to keep you around.

We always knew we should have married Nancy instead.

[USA Today; image via Getty]