Everyone knows that bedbugs are gross jerks that attack war veterans. But were you aware that they're also gassy? Luckily, you can use their flatulence against them thanks to an "exciting newly patented product" called the BBD-100.
Ostensibly manufactured with loving care by these people, and more helpfully described by these other people, the BBD-100 is a $299 hand-held bed bug detector that takes in samples of air and tests them for bedbug emissions. Supposedly it's very accurate and easy-to-use:
When emissions are detected the unit will sound an alarm and lights will move from amber to red in the unit's display. The presence of even one hidden bed bug will be detected. (A bed bug must be hiding where its emissions can build up for about five to ten minutes in order to be detected by the unit.)
Because it's portable—it kind of looks like a Walkman, but without the headphones (it would be cool if you could actually listen to the bedbugs farting, no?)—you can take the BBD-100 to all of your usual hang-out spots, as well as places that aren't as interesting, and use it to find all the bedbugs hiding in your bed. You can also use it to discover bedbugs living inside your stuffed-animal bedbugs. If your BBD-100 goes off, then you'll know it's necessary to flee the premises and head for a safer locale. If the infested area is your house, then you should probably abandon your house and buy another one.
Of course, with the economy as it is, buying new houses might not be an option for you. Sadly, the BBD-100 doesn't actually capture or kill any bedbugs, which you could say is a shortcoming of sorts. How to capture bedbugs on a budget? Consider trying out this method:
- Go to a Mexican restaurant (Taco Bell will do, but it's better to buy local) and buy a bean burrito. Order it to go.
- Take the burrito home, unwrap it, and place it at the bottom of your bed.
- Put on some camouflage clothing, crouch down by the side of your bed, and wait for the bedbugs to show up. Don't get discouraged if it takes a few hours—they're nighttime snackers. They'll show up.
- Resist the urge to eat the burrito. That would defeat the whole purpose.
- Smile with glee when the bedbugs finally arrive. They'll probably notice the burrito right away and start eating, but you might want to put some signs in various areas of your bed to guide their way. Hopefully the bedbugs will not be the Mexican food-hating kind (no guarantees).
- Use your BBD-100 to verify that the bugs are definitely bedbugs and not some other kind of harmless bugs.
- If things check out, capture all the distracted bedbugs with your hands and put them in a bag.
- If you have slow reflexes, get someone else to capture them.
- Throw away the bag and the remainder of the burrito, unless you're also gross.
Some people have used this same technique with other types of food, with varying degrees of success. One thing that will NOT work: politely asking the bedbugs to leave.
Bonus fun fact: We rarely talk about farts for etiquette reasons, so we probably won't bring then up ever again. But we'll say the horrible-sounding, tacky word if you give us a million dollars (or $10,000... it's negotiable).