Women Be Moviegoin'

Holy ladies! While their movie wasn't number one, because they're still not men, of course, women surged into a big second-position at the box office this weekend. What's next? Women voters? Women motorists? The sky might be the limit.

1) Thor — $34.5M
I guess if you squinted, this movie could be about a big burly woman who moves to Taos and meets a long-haired little boy and they have adventures together. So in some ways this is also a women's movie. But mostly no. Mostly this is about thick, meaty male aggression and cock-like hammers and blond wigs and other guy stuff. It dropped nearly 50% from last week's big debut, which is sorta steep, but nothing to worry about. It's done boffo biz overseas, like in France where the men are really men, so it's going to make back what it spent and then some. A sequel is not a sure bet, but Thor will definitely be back again for The Avengers, which is said to feature the longest-ever superhero group sex scene in recent cinema history. Well, until the Justice League movie cums out.

2) Bridesmaids — $24.4M
Wowww! Ladies who weren't on their monthly pains, and therefore housebound, all across the nation received rides from a male relative and purchased tickets with their allowance money to go see this film, their first (and last) husband-free outing of the year! Certain societie-types are saying this represents a whole new trend for women, who increasingly have purchasing power and may soon seek the right to wear trousers. While there are rumors from the cities that some women are taking employment at various secretarial posts and clothier's offices, one shouldn't get too ahead of oneself with this whole "women's movement." Blessedly the only movement the vast majority of good Christian women are still making is from the kitchen to the bedroom and back again the next morning.

3) Fast Five — $19.5M
Oh, phew, we're back to the boys. This butch movie about two old friends, all greased-up and muscly, going on a vacation to Brazil together raked in another hefty sum, making it officially the highest-grossing movie in the whole Fast and the Furious film series. According to Wikipedia, these movies have made almost one and a half billion dollars over the last ten years. That's more than I make in a year! I hope you're proud of yourself, globe. This is what you've chosen. It was this or Xavier Dolan's Heartbeats and you chose this. This, oddly, being the gayer of the two.

4) Priest — $14.5M
Yet another chick-flick, this movie tells the story of a woman in tight clothes who must overcome the odds to help a more powerful man achieve a great victory over the vampires. She is brave enough, in fact, to cede most of the screen time to him. A true woman's movie! While this isn't a terribly strong debut for a $60 million movie, I think we can still count on the inevitable sequel, Priest: Something Blue.

15) Everything Must Go — $825K
Will Ferrell's new seriocomedy performed OK on 218 wimpy screens, meaning he is less of a man than Kristen Wiig. That's what that means, right? Is that how gender works? Let me just take this space to briefly say that I get that Bridesmaids being a hit is a good thing for women in comedy, and I get that that whole situation is a problem, but do we, and by "we" I guess I selfishly mean those of us who are fortunate enough to be paid money to blather on about this stuff, really need to act as if Susan B. Anthony just body-slammed her way through a glass ceiling with this thing? It's awesome that a woman-centric comedy did well. (Hopefully that means there will be more! I personally find funny women funnier than funny men. Amy Sedaris movie please!) But I don't really think it solves or indicates anything beyond "Kristen Wiig is funny, the marketing was strong, and, yes, women go to movies." I don't think it's a watershed, I guess is what I'm saying. And I think that acting like it is is just lazy trendspotting. That's all.