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Yee haw! Last night's episode was a rootin', tootin', vaguely sapphic adventure to River Walk City. Well, for some of the ladies. For the other ones, it was more of the same pallid misery of home.
Yes, old San Anton! You may remember that last week Gretchen had her manslave Slade pack up a few satchels full of Gretchen Christine Bootay™ booty and they flew down to the Alamo to hawk her wares. Well that's all over and done with and Slade has been sent back to his servants quarters in California and now Gretchen wants a girlz weekend. Just a grand old time with the girlz. So she invited Peggy, Alexis, and... the lesbian. Huh? I thought the lesbian was Tamra's plaything? I guess the lesbian is just really trying hard to get on the show, if she's willing to go on a boozy vacation with her kiss-friend's mortal enemy. Never trust a lesbian, is the lesson here I guess. Sorry, JD Samson. (Love you, JD Samson.)
So that was the strange group that descended upon San Antonio, all of them in foolish cowboy hats. The most foolish (foolishest?) cowboy hat belonged to Alexis, bedazzled as it was with an enormous cross. Because Alexis is religious! Hey, that's right. Alexis is religious, so just what the heck is she doing on this trip, without her beloved protector and owner Earth Jesus? Well, ever since her transformative trip to San Francisco, she and Earth Jesus have agreed that spending a little time apart can be an OK thing. Alexis likes it because she gets to let loose a little, let a bit of her country roots out, and Jim likes it because it means he's got a few days free to hire hookers to come over to the house to roll around in a vat of tartar sauce (which Jim naturally secretes) while he pleasures himself with a overripe cantaloupe. So it's win-win, really! Jim, of course, doesn't approve of the fruitiness of San Francisco, so San Antonio is a nice change. Nice stable, conservative place. Full of liquor and mechanical bulls!
Yeah, Alexis went a little nuts on this trip, whooping it up in near Vickian fashion. The ladies all took an enormous Hummer limo around town, because that seems like a totally reasonable thing to do, and Alexis got drunk in said limo, before they'd even done anything. She was just guzzling down champagne like it was the end of the world, which is troubling because as the world's most faithful, Godly person, Alexis likely has the inside dish on when the Rapture is coming. Hold onto your butts, basically. So Alexis was all tasty-wasted when they went to dinner, at what was basically an abandoned warehouse full of noise where they bring you your food in crates. Actual crates. Everyone was gobbling like mad, especially Alexis, who then started to tell us about her eating disorder and how she used to do terrible things like throw up her food or starve herself. A sad Alexis story made sadder by the fact that her life hasn't gotten that much better. She's still a manic exerciser and dieter, she's married to a domestic terrorist, and her dress line is ugly. I'd almost feel bad for Alexis...
...if she didn't then go on to say things like "I don't believe that the lesbian's marriage was real because she's a lesbian and is going to have to answer to God" when they were all talking about having been married. Oh Alexis, come off it. You're the least Christly person on the show, as I'm pretty sure Jesus's intent wasn't to create something for dumb, valueless people to feel morally superior to people they don't understand. At least I hope that wasn't what he was trying to get started two thousand years ago! But yes, Alexis continues to grate with her hypocritical nonsense. Later in the evening she drunkenly danced with the lesbian and everyone was scandalized and Alexis loved the attention. All told, the girls weekend actually went pretty well! Well, until they all got back in the limo and Alexis was making some kind of noise with her lips and then she said that Peggy could do it better because she has bigger lips and Peggy was so upset. "Why would she say I have bigger lips," asked the woman with surgically enhanced lips. She's obviously super insecure about it and treated it as the gravest insult one can levy against another person. Oh Peggy. Stupid, stupid Peggy. Earlier in the evening Peggy was like "I have a list of things required in the perfect guy." ("I have a list of 125 things!!" Alexis countered, because their one-upping thing is the silliest thing ever.) "He has to own his own business, has to have a house," etc. And Gretchen of all people was like "That's really shallow!" Damn, Peg. If Gretchen just burnt you on being shallow with men, you are really and truly burnt.
But other than that, the trip went remarkably smoothly! Back home, things were not as good. Vicki and Donn are still having problems as their marriage crumbles, so that's too bad. They went to dinner with Tamra and her hired boyfriend "Eddie," and Donn had to tell Vicki not to be rude a bunch of times and it was just very tense. It was made even more tense by the news that Simon, Tamra's wonderful ex-husband, had been arrested after he threw a heavy dog leash at her during an altercation at her house. Ohhh brother. A dog leash. Yikes. Tamra felt bad because she didn't actually want Simon to get arrested, even though he's a terrible monster person, and she's worried that he's going off the deep end. Meanwhile, she's being harassed by mean old Jeane Keough, the former Housewife who's in a strange alliance with Simon.
Yeah, Jeana thinks that Tamra is a bad person for calling the police, even though, y'know, he's been aggressing on her of late and threw something at her. Jeana thinks that a woman should just accept her husband's (or ex-husband's) meanness and then everything will be OK because... Well, it'll just be OK. That's the point. It just somehow will. And she's probably right! I mean, just look at her children! Such sweet angels all. Shane isn't a cold-hearted sociopath or anything! And that lovely daughter. Nineteen-year-old Republicans who quit Berkeley because there are too many hippies are just the best. Colton is... Well who knows. The point is that Jeana is no expert in the ways of domestic bliss and she should butt out. But that is not the Housewife Way, so she butts in big time.
Tamra decided to have a conversation with Jeana on a bench overlooking the ocean just to get everything sorted out, but nothing was really sorted. Basically Jeana said horrible things about how Tamra was making this us all up and exaggerating and she shouldn't be making a deal out of it and it was just weird and sad. Obviously I don't know the particulars of this situation, maybe Tamra did make it all up, but I don't see why it was so necessary for Jeana to act all offended and upset about it. Just let it go, lady. Wear your long flowy dresses and hang out with your terrible children and just wallow in the wallow you've made for yourself. Don't get in anyone else's wallow and tell them how to wallow. Do your own wallowing, I say.
Later Tamra went to court and no charges were filed because of lack of evidence and that was that. Tamra was relieved, but she was also still scared and sad, worried for Simon. She had a breakdown at her house and Eddie was there to comfort her in a really creepy, performative way that just seemed very fake and I feel bad for Tamra if she's really into this Eddie thing because he seems to be mostly pretending. And that's pretty sad.
Oh, speaking of sad, in a funny way, there was one wonderful detail at the Vicki/Tamra dinner. Vicki said that she had been asked by the Anaheim Ducks to go to a game and ride the Zamboni. Only she couldn't remember the word Zamboni, so the four of them all sat around for a minute or two trying to remember the word. "Zeromi? Zalami? Zoongomebee?" They just couldn't get it, but finally Donn yelled "Zamboni!" during the middle of another conversation and everyone was happy. So very happy to finally remember that important word. A Zamboni! Oh what I wouldn't give to watch Vicki Gunvalson ride an out-of-control Zamboni. Veering all around the ice, uncontrollable, slipping and skidding and revving and bucking. A herky-jerk sight that would be funnier if we weren't so scared that someone was going to get hurt.