Meet Al Qaeda's New Acting Leader, Saif Al Adel

Hey guys! Can I have everyone's attention, please? Where's Heather? Does anyone know where Heather is? Well, can you go grab her? We've got a big announcement. Yes, that's right, we've decided to appoint an acting chief of Al Qaeda.

Ah, Heather, thank you for joining us. As I was saying, we will, obviously, miss Mr. Bin Laden a great deal, but, you know, the world, well, the world keeps on turning, and it's important that we stay on track, so to speak, turn with it, and keep on, you know, keeping on. Turn with the world, that is.

So, to that effect, um, we've sort of put our heads together and decided that we're going with someone who you all — who you all know and love. Haha, no, Don. Ha. So, Saif, if you could come out...? Saif? There he is.

Saif Al Adel, everyone. Some of you probably worked with Saif at the Saudi Arabia office, back in — when was that, Saif? 2003? — back in 2003. Uh, and, obviously, some of you — Tom, I'm looking at you — know him from Afghanistan in the 1980s, back when we were just, heh, in our pre-startup days, which we think is a great, you know, asset, so to speak, for us, and for Saif. And, hey, he's on the FBI big board, so, again, asset.

We know that some of you — yes, Don, I'm getting to that — were... Well, look, Saif is Egyptian, and maybe some people hoped we would appoint someone — I'm not sure how to put this, exactly — someone from the, uh, Arabian Peninsula. And, let me just be the first to say that, obviously, we take your concerns very seriously — you know, we read everything that goes into the suggestion box right over — did we move the suggestion box? — well, you know, my door is always open, obviously.

And look, I've heard some of you say privately that you, well, have some concerns about the future of the company, and that some of you aren't, let's say, you know, enthusiastic about Ayman — sorry, Mister Al Zawahiri taking over. What's that, Don? Well, look, I don't know if it's true that he's — let's just say that, you know, regardless of personality issues, Mr. Al Zawahiri has put in terrific work as a VP, okay? And if you guys respond to Saif the way I know you will, I don't see there being any trouble working for an Egyptian like Mr. Al Zawahiri. Okay?

I mean, I think Saif will tell you, we're all one happy family, you know, Egyptian, Saudi, Moroccan, so, please, you know, give him a warm welcome, and do the terrific work I know you're capable of. As a little bit of a welcome, we put out a spread in the conference — um... Trent? Do you know? I think it's from Hale and Hearty...? We'll do Chipotle next time, okay?

Oh, and, before I forget. Is the Taliban team here today? Can you guys spare me 20 minutes? Nothing serious, I just want to see where we're at on that project.

[CNN]