The Only Thing That Matters Right Now is Oprah's Farewell Spectacular

20,000 Oprah Winfrey zealots filled Chicago's United Center on Tuesday night for the taping of a two-part farewell spectacular that will air on May 23rd and 24th. It was billed as a "night of surprises," but, like Oprah, I hate surprises. So here's a list of everyone who showed up, as exhaustively docutweeted by The Hollywood Reporter:

  • The show began with ubiquitous chart-nuisance will.i.am singing, "I Gotta Feeling."
  • Tom Hanks emerged to host the first hour, comparing Oprah to his two greatest loves, outer space and World War II.
  • Tom Cruise came out and jumped on Oprah over and over again.
  • Patti LaBelle and Josh Groban dueted on "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," answering the question, "What will I not be downloading immediately on iTunes?"
  • Then Madonna trotted out, and proceeded to mummify the guest of honor in a giant spool of red string, a kabbalistic ritual she says "always brings her luck."
  • Dakota Fanning introduced a segment entitled "Oprah Babies." Boyfriend Stedman Graham looks nervous and confused.
  • Beyoncé wore a tuxedotard and performed her new single, "Run the World (Girls)"
  • Diane Sawyer and a giant tree appeared to say 25,000 oak trees had been planted in Oprah's honor.
  • Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith hosted the second hour. Will's trailer, The Boosh, is approximately 375 feet long and occupies the length of the arena.
  • Jamie Foxx sings, and is soon joined by Stevie Wonder, not answering the question, "Why?"
  • Jerry Seinfeld does some standup. His wife then gifts Oprah with Christian Louboutin. Not the shoes — the actual guy.
  • Simon Cowell comes out, and just when you think it can't get worse, Dr. Phil, Nate Berkus, and Dr. Oz come out and give her a six-handed foot rub.
  • Maria Shriver appears on stage, and "Oprah kept her arm tightly wrapped around Shriver's shoulders." Now this is starting to feel like an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show!
  • Aretha Franklin, looking healthy, performed "Amazing Grace." But the final performance is from Usher, bookending things nicely with the similarly underwhelming will.i.am.
[Hollywood Reporter, photo via Oprah on Twitter]