Newt Gingrich's Spokesman Releases Greatest Statement Ever

Sure has been a shit week for Newt Gingrich! The presidential candidate, for whom we're coming dangerously close to feeling sympathy, has been attacked from the left for stupid racist murmurs, from the right for hurting Rep. Paul Ryan's fee-fees, and from some guy with a glitterbomb, just because. Also, his Tiffany's expenses are now public information. Tiffany's, shoppe of the silvered class? Well, his personal jewelry charge account isn't really pertinent, but laugh if it makes you other debt-enslaved psychopaths feel good.

Oh, and now you want something new to laugh at? How about this actual official statement from Gingrich spokesman Rick Tyler, sharing his thoughts about the last week of Gingrich media coverage:

The literati sent out their minions to do their bidding. Washington cannot tolerate threats from outsiders who might disrupt their comfortable world. The firefight started when the cowardly sensed weakness. They fired timidly at first, then the sheep not wanting to be dropped from the establishment's cocktail party invite list unloaded their entire clip, firing without taking aim their distortions and falsehoods. Now they are left exposed by their bylines and handles. But surely they had killed him off. This is the way it always worked. A lesser person could not have survived the first few minutes of the onslaught. But out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia emerged Gingrich, once again ready to lead those who won't be intimated by the political elite and are ready to take on the challenges America faces.

Got nothin'.

[Image via AP]