Massachusetts Wants to Ban Completely Idiotic 'Relaxation Brownies'S

Two towns in Massachusetts are trying to ban Lazy Cakes, a "relaxation brownie," because excesss amount of melatonin in the baked (hehe, get it?) good made some kids sick. This whole thing is really stupid.

So, yes, melatonin is a "dietary supplement" that makes you sleepy when you ingest it. Lazy Cakes have 8 milligrams of the stuff. The usual dose, which is readily available over the counter, is 3 milligrams. But melatonin is not a drug, so it's not regulated by the FDA.

Now, I don't want kids eating products that are harmful for them, but why are kids trying to eat "relaxation brownies" in the first place? Kids don't need to relax! What, they're stressed out because they've watched the reruns of their favorite cartoons too many times? And parents shouldn't be letting their kids anywhere near "relaxation brownies" in the first place. The only sort of supplement a kid needs is a Flintstones multivitamin.

These kids probably tried to eat them because they're being marketed like a stoner treat. Kids, let me tell you something: I'm not saying go out there and eat pot brownies, but, if you ever do, it's a whole lot more fun than just falling asleep, OK? If you get a pot brownie that just makes you fall asleep, you got robbed. I'm not saying to do them, but if you do, there you go.

For adults who want to eat pot brownies, just go ahead and do it. As I said, they're way more fun and they're not especially expensive or hard to make (but still mostly illegal). And they won't make you fall asleep. Also, eating any kind brownie to make you fall asleep is completely counterproductive. You don't want all those empty calories right before bedtime! That's going to do nothing but make you a big giant fat person.

If you don't want to get stoned and you really want them to fall asleep, let me clue you in on something—just take some damn melatonin. It's not going to make you fat or look like some stupid hippie with dreads and torn corduroys wheeling his way through a Phish concert like a stupid Lazy Cake will. And if you can't find melatonin, take a sleeping pill like a normal person. Tylenol PM is easier to get than crabs at a hooker convention.

So, yes, Massachusetts, go ahead and ban Lazy Cakes, but not because they're dangerous, but because they're dumb. Thank you.