This week are the television upfronts, when the networks show ever-eager advertisers the programs they're working on for the fall season. The networks want to make money off these shows. We just want to pass judgment on them.
CBS is TV's most popular network—especially with old people and those crazy enough to like Two and a Half Men—so what stodgy programs will keep the geezers happy this coming fall? Here are the five new shows they're kicking off in September. Looks like the same mixed bag of stale comedies and warmed over procedurals. Don't go changing, CBS.
It's also business as usual over at The CW, with a slate of teen-bait, girl power dramas (our favorite kind!) and celebrity-driven reality shows. Look below for their four newest offerings.
2 Broke Girls
When: Mondays 8:30pm
What Is This?: A rich girl (some generic blond sitcom thing) loses all her money and gets a job in a diner with a poor girl (Kat Dennings). Together they are 2 Broke Girls.
Will People Watch It?: It's from producers Michael Patrick King (of Sex and the City fame) and Whitney Cumming (who would be better suited in this comedy than her crappy Whitney on NBC), so hopes are high, but based on the laugh track and general stodginess, this could be like S#!& Two Waitresses Say.
When: Tuesdays at 10pm
What Is This?: It's a cop show, but the cop (Poppy Montgomery, formerly of CSNCIS with Criminal Investigative Mentalist Castles) has a cop ex-boyfriend (Nip/Tuck's Dylan Walsh) and a photographic memory, just like Marilu Henner! (Seriously, Marilu Henner has a photographic memory.)
Will People Watch It?: Your parents are going to watch the fuck out of this show.
How to Be a Gentleman
When: Thursdays at 8:30pm
What Is This?: An odd couple comedy where a fussy manners columnist reunites with a bro-ish high school friend (Kevin Dillon, playing his Entourage role all over again) and they teach each other about life.
Will People Watch It?: This doesn't look so bad, but I'm afraid it will get lost in the shuffle.
Person of Interest
When:Thursdays at 9pm
What Is This?: A shady man (Lost villain Michael Emerson) saves a homeless man who used to be an assassin (former Jesus Christ Jim Caviezal) to help him prevent violent crimes from happening.
Will People Watch It?: It's produced by JJ Abrams and scripted by Jonathan Nolan, so chances are it's going to be a lot smarter and cooler than the premise promises. I know I'm in.
A Gifted Man
When: Fridays at 8pm
What Is This?: Patrick Wilson sees dead people—his dead wife, specifically.
Will People Watch It?: It's such a shame that the gorgeousness of Patrick Wilson and Pablo Screiber (Liev's hunky brother) is being wasted on a Friday night on a show whose premise will wear thin by the end of episode five.
Hart of Dixie
When: Mondays at 9pm
What Is This?: Look, Rachel Bilson is doing something other than ice cream commercials. She plays a northern doctor who has to go down south and work in a southern town full of people that hate her. Basically it's Southern Exposure.
Will People Watch It?: I vote no, but some passive aggressive cuntiness could be fun.
When: Tuesdays at 9pm
What Is This?: Sarah Michelle Geller plays a woman who witness a mob hit and escapes to her twin sister's house. When her twin commits suicide, she poses as her posh sister and tries to find out the mystery of her death.
Will People Watch It?: It sounds complicated, but I am so there.
When: Wednesdays at 8pm
What Is This?: A celebrity goes to confront someone who has publicly hated on them.
Will People Watch It?: Oh my god, this is officially my new favorite show. Sure, it will be annoying to watch celebrities play martyrs and haters crumble and fall in love with their former objects of torment, but this is a great idea for a show. Also, I hereby volunteer myself to confront any of the people I have hated on the internet. Except January Jones. I can't be held accountable for what I might do to her.
When: Thursdays at 9pm
What Is This?: A teenage girl loses her mother and moves in with her grandmother in Washington where she discovers that she is a witch and is part of a coven of very, very sexy teenagers.
Will People Watch It?: After the Vampire Diaries? For sure!