Will Laser Wheelchairs Spell Doom for the Able-Bodied?S

Blood tests! Omnipresent alligators! Abounding planets! European telescope! Disappearing Avandia! Sniffing mammals! Laser wheelchairs! Repulsive energy! And DIY levees! It's your Thursday Science Watch, where we watch science—as if Schrodinger's cat would allow such a thing!

  • Soon you'll be able to buy a blood test that will tell you your "biological age," according to your blood. Yours is 67. Just saved you so much money. (Not time, though. Use what you have left.)
  • In Florida there are alligators everywhere and they come in your house. This is science.
  • Astronomers used to think that space was vast and empty and populated mostly by stars, and some comets were out there, and not so many planets. Now they say there are even more planets floating out there than stars. Now, scientists turn their attention to pink hearts, yellow moons, and green clovers.
  • Well well well, the European scientists are launching a design for a new Gravitational Wave Telescope. You know what American scientists are launching, baby? My fist.
  • The government is pulling the drug Avandia from the market. The winner: public safety. The losers: people who finally got off heroin by shooting up Avandia, instead. "Back to the heroin," I guess is the message society is sending???
  • "Earliest mammals sniffed their way to smarts." Is that even real?
  • Oh great, laser-guided wheelchairs. What's next, laser-guided missiles? Do they not teach people about "safety" any more, by taping it on kindergarten walls in big construction-paper cutout letters? Am I simply a relic? Well I will stand proud as a relic of safety, burning any wheelchair I see.
  • Dark energy is "driving the universe apart;" NASA calls it "repulsive." Does anyone stop to think about how the dark energy feels?
  • Citizens in the Mississippi River flood zone are building their very own DIY levees around their houses to protect them from the raging floodwaters. God, hipsters.
[Photo: AP]