Kristen Wiig and Johnny Depp Are America's Biggest Movie Stars

This weekend saw the continuing domination of one star and the crowning of a new one. That crown might have been taken from Paul Bettany, who didn't have such a great weekend.

1) Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides — $90.1M
Arrrr...e any of you surprised that this was the number one movie this weekend? Of course you're not! Everyone knew that this was going to be a big wonderful hit, even if it's not quite as big as its predecessors. When you get up into number four territory, that it's opening in a movie theater at all and not starring Heather Graham and Casper Van Dien, staring sadly up at you from the video store discount bin, is reason enough to be glad. So be glad, Disney. Will they be glad enough to make a number five? Probably! Pirates of the Caribbean: Is This Just How Johnny Depp Is All The Time Now? Come on, Disney. You know you want to. If for no other reason than to keep Geoffrey Rush in the gold and diamonds he so voraciously demands. Or, you know, you could finally get to work on that Big Thunder Mountain Railroad movie. Johnny Depp could play the railroad!

2) Bridesmaids — $21M
This is the real story this weekend. Slipping a tiny 20% from last week's debut, this movie is holding on better than The Hangover. It's made about $60 million so far, and stands to make a lot more. So Kristen Wiig is a movie star! And there will probably be a Bridesmaids 2, in which... another lady gets married? Their long-lost friend Elizabeth Banks? Or, more likely, their long-lost friend a pirate played by Johnny Depp. Let's just smoosh all the hit movies into one giant Voltron hit movie and have Kristen Wiig feeling anxiety about her friend Jack Sparrow getting married to Thor, but luckily she meets dangerous street racer Dominic "Dom" Toretto and they zoom off to Rio and meet a bird named Rio (or whatever that bird's name is) and then the Easter Bunny shows up and eats his poop-beans and everyone has a dance party. I think we'd all see that movie, if we're honest with ourselves. That's all we want. We just want hits.

3) Thor — $15.5M
So yeah, this movie's doing fine, blah blah, whatever. Speaking of Chris Hemsworth though, the other day I watched The Last Song (these are the choices I've made in life and I need to deal with them), which co-stars his brother Liam and Miley Cyrus, and oh man. Has anyone else seen this thing? Yiiiiikes. Not that it's surprising that a Nicholas Sparks movie, based on a novel he wrote with a movie adaptation starring Miley Cyrus in mind, is a terrible piece of rotten North Carolina seaweed, but Miley Cyrus is just in no way an appealing actress. I've seen her yelling on that Hannah Montana show and figured she was just yelling because that's what they do on the Disney Channel, but she's sort of actually a bad actress all the time it seems? And she makes faces that no one who isn't currently, right then at that moment, smelling poop should ever make. She is just smelling poop all the time with her face! Does Liam Hemsworth smell like poop? (Please say no.) Does Greg Kinnear smell like poop? (I wouldn't not believe that.) Something smells like poop. (I suspect it's her.) Anyway, it's really crazy that they put her in movies at all. She's in two more coming up! But that'll probably be it. So yeah, that's Thor for ya.

6) Priest — $6M
Oh dear. Dropping a nasty 70% from last week's middling debut, it looks as though Paul Bettany's career as the albino savior of humanity has come to an end. Well he started out a bad albino in Da Vinci Code, but then he was a good(ish) albino angel in Legion and now there's this Priest muck and I guess this is where it ends. Though I don't know if it's that we don't need saving anymore or if we just don't need saving from him. Oh well. All that matters is that Paul Bettany made his money and at the end of the day he goes home to Jennifer Connelly, so no matter how much business Priest does (which is to say: barely any), Paul Bettany still wins.

12) Midnight in Paris — $579K
Well look at that! Buoyed by solid reviews, this little confectionary bit of springtime counter-programming had an enormous $96,000 per-screen average. Good for Woody! Good for Owen! Good for Paris.