No one wants to run for president anymore, can you believe it? Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels decided not to run over the weekend, following the exits of Mike Huckabee, Donald Trump, Haley Barbour, and some other people. This means, according to our news media, that there are only three "serious" — as in, capable of beating Barack Obama — Republican candidates remaining. Let's briefly discuss them so you can make your pick, right here and now!
- Willard "Mittens" Romney: Former centrist Governor of Taxachusetts. Was pro-choice, is now pro-life. Invented ObamaCare. Saved the Olympics. Founder of Bain Capital Money Investment Things. Rich as the dickens. Mormon. Dog abuser. Rapper. French. Invented ObamaCare.
- Tim Pawlenty: Former two-term Governor of Minnesota. "Nice." The original "Sam's Club Republican." Evangelical. Pretend action movie star. Muslim mortgages. Barfy staffers. From a meat-packing town. Meat-packing, meat-packing. Everyone was packing meat, when he grew up. Boring as the dickens. "Looks kinda presidential."
- Jon Huntsman: Former 1.12-term governor of Utah. Barack Obama's ambassador to China. Speaks Mandarin! Mormon. Rich daddy philanthropist. Not officially running yet. Loves gay civil unions, cap and trade, Barack Obama. Dream Theater's #1 fan. Known by -1% of the American population. Rich as the dickens, silver hair for miles. Cannot win a Republican presidential primary, maybe.
So who's your cock in this cockfight?
[Images via AP]