Samurai workout! Kids sleeping! Plastic man-surgery! Lap teen-bands! Abortion fluctuations! Smallpox preservation! New aspirin! Disabled children! And the best sunscreens, revealed! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!
- "Want to be a samurai? You can get a taste of what it's like to be a warrior, as well as the toned arms that go with it, by attending a Forza class." Your toned arms should then be chopped off by outraged samurai ghosts.
- How much do your children sleep? Not enough! Amirite? That's why I give them thorazine. (Your children.)
- For the modern man, there's nothing objectionable or unmanly about getting plastic surgery, lies the Wall Street Journal.
- Allergan is asking the FDA to approve lap-band surgery for kids as young as 14. By 14, it's clear that diet and exercise will never ever work. So cut 'em open. There is no other way.
- The abortion rate in America is down overall, but up among women below the poverty line. You know, I bet Charles Murray has something awfully entertaining to say about this.
- The World Health Assembly had plans to go ahead and destroy the last known smallpox viruses on earth, but then they were like, no, no, let's just wait a few years. "Yes, yes, it's all coming together," said Cobra Commander.
- Bayer has a hot new "quick release aspirin" that the company says relieves pain twice as fast as regular aspirin. It looks just like regular aspirin, if regular aspirin was a syringe full of heroin.
- One in six children today have a developmental disability. Though growing diagnosis rates of autism and ADD both play a role, the leading disability by far is Having No Damn Sense.
- What are the best sunscreens? Wood or concrete, though brick is always a decent choice, in a pinch.