Man Milks Own Breasts, Wacky Article Ensues

Did you know that men sometimes lactate? It's true! Men have a low level of lactation-inducing hormone prolactin, and sometimes weird medical flukes make them secrete "milky fluids" from their superfluous nipples.

With this fact in mind, Michael Thomsen set off to do what any self-respecting journalist in possession of counterintuitive information would do: He wrote a column for Slate.

I'm 33 years old and single in New York City, a cross between Carrie Bradshaw and George Costanza—if there's such a thing as a male biological clock, mine has started ticking. I know I can't birth a child myself, but what if I could bear one to suck at my bosom? Could my rudimentary mammae yield a copious supply of milk?

Thomsen purchases a breast pump and starts pumping his man boobs with regularity, hoping trick the mechanoreceptors in his nipples into triggering lactation. The process sort of aroused him.

It was strange to apply a breast pump for the first time. My nipples aren't accustomed to regular stimulation, and though I felt like I was defying the natural order, pumping was surprisingly pleasant. Nipples are filled with nerve endings, after all, and the gentle upward tug of the pump was both comforting and erotic.

Editing this article must have been so awkward. "Hey Michael, great draft, but could we have some more detail in the section about nipple stimulation? Really want the readers to be able to feel their nipples chafing with yours."

By now the suspense must be killing you. Did Michael Thomsen's nipples secrete man milk? I don't want to spoil the article for you, but...

No, they did not. Michael Thomsen failed to milk himself. This is what every expert, scientist, and book that Michael Thomsen consulted for this article said would happen. In other words, Slate published 1800 words of consequence-free male nipple erotica.

And you know what? Good for them. It's about time men broke the gender barrier for turning themselves into sexual and parenting freak shows for the sake of journalism.

[Slate, image of male breasts for illustrative purposes via Shutterstock. Michael Thomsen's actual breasts can be viewed here.]

Related:The 'Writing About Yourself' Trap