Today we said goodbye to the Oprah show. What a momentous occasion! What did Ms. Winfrey say as parting words to her faithful followers? We have the transcript!
What I feel today is gratitude. Gratitude for all of you, and your willingness to swallow every bullshit platitude I've spouted over the last twenty-five years. You see, you people are special. Special in that you lack certain critical thinking skills, and instead see me as someone who can tell you how to live the life that you're unable to manage on your own. I shape your style, your health, your entertainment, and your relationships. In return I've received untold wealth and...the ability...to say things...slowly...while I blink my heavily made up eyes...and make you think it's the most important thing that's ever been said in human history. I am a guru of consumption, as I know things are what really make us happy. I tell you to live your best life, but what you do is live my life in your fantasy, one hour at a time. Thank you for your billions of dollars in support; I will miss you, but you won't miss me, provided you subscribe to O Magazine, keep up with my book club, stay up to date on new editions of my favorite kickbac...er...things which I'll be releasing every year, buy my books, visit my website, and tune in for my interview specials with my horde of creepily perfect celebrity friends. Remember: I am the Truth.
Ha. Oprah is the worst. Sorry guys, but she is.