If your media-given surname is "burglar" or "bandit," and you've been spending your days actually engaged in the practices of burglary or banditry, then you're probably pretty depressed right now! Unless you're dead.
In Arizona, police nabbed Robert James Neese, aka the "Rock Burglar," who allegedly committed at least 340 break-ins over a 17-year career and stole $10 million in cash, baubles, guns, and other junk. Neese developed his personal brand by consistently throwing rocks through the windows of rich people's homes, entering the holes left by the rocks, and taking the rich people's belongings without their permission. How inconsiderately lo-fi.
Neese eventually switched from throwing rocks to prying doors, but "door prying burglar" wasn't as catchy so he'll remain the "Rock Burglar" forevermore. His capture surely pleases sadistic Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio—who took office the same year Neese's spree began— because now he can make Neese toil in the hot sun in one of Arizona's rehabilitative rock quarries, or wear a heavy outfit made of stones. Also happy (probably) is Dan Quayle, one of Neese's most famous victims. Neese stole nothing but a sack of potatoes from the former vice president, just to be cruel.
In other unfortunate nicknamed-criminal news, Atlanta police shot and killed a man who became known as the "Grandma Bandit" after robbing a bunch of drug stores while dressed as a woman. Apparently the bandit—who was also a licensed pilot—would tell drugstore employees that he had cancer, then ask for money. Police say they determined the bandit's sex after "further investigation," but that they aren't sure he truly had cancer. "Someone who commits this kind of crime is also someone who will most likely lie," says a former police sergeant who through years of experience has gained insight into the criminal mindset.
Just down the road in Florida, Michael Anthony Price—aka the "Brazen Bandit"—also received some bad news this week: he got a 52-year prison sentence for robbing some banks. During one of his robberies, Price shot a customer who is now paralyzed. Seriously, that was not necessary. The Brazen Bandit is a jerk.
Finally, in Washington state a man known as the "Barefoot Bandit" learned that he can't make any money off of books or movies related to his crimes, which were "sometimes shoeless." Twenty-year-old Colton Harris-Moore allegedly spent two years burgling and thieving all kinds of things, from cash to boats. Interestingly, Harris-Moore is also a pilot, just like the Grandma Bandit. Perhaps they were related, or there is some sort of pilot-bandit subclass.