Sun, Bugs, and Other Things That Will Kill You This Summer

Gluten taste! Chronic fatigue! E. coli! Lady clots! Food symbols! Cilantro nastiness! Sun safety! And eluding mosquitoes with potions made of science! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—hotly, of course!

  • Can cuisine really be gluten free—and tasty, too? Damned if I'm gonna be the poor bastard who plays guinea pig to find out the answer to that.
  • Some new studies came out about "chronic fatigue syndrome," and guess what: drink some coffee, get your lazy ass up off the cot, drink some crystal meth, and get to fucking work. "Disabled," my ass. Well, these studies in particular said something about viruses. Still.
  • Deadly E. coli outbreak going on Germany right now. In more important Germany news, hey Dirk Nowitzki, step it up, buddy! You know?
  • The FDA is investigating whether a drug commonly used in birth control pills could put you (ladies) at risk of dangerous blood clots. What drug is it? Tune in after sports to find out. First, sports. Hey Dirk Nowitzki! Get it together pal!
  • Instead of the "food pyramid," the government is launching a new symbol of what you should and should not eat, which is a plate. Never, ever eat the plate. Rule number one of eating. How much clearer must it be?
  • "Moms Should Maximize Maternity Leave And Breastfeed Says New Study." Uhhh, lemme guess, is the author of the new study "Mom???????????????"
  • Do you like eating cilantro? Do you like eating pesticide and salmonella? You can say yes to both or no to both, but you can't mix and match.
  • Scientists have developed a new chemical that "confuses" mosquitoes so much that they can't recognize humans. It's called CK One.
  • Now that summer's here, it's time to take a few minutes to think about sun safety. A doctor warns that a sunburn can have very serious consequences for your health, and reminds us that "If you are suffering from a heat stroke, chilling or violently ill," you should go the emergency room. Whoa, doc, whoa—you'll never stop us from chilling.
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