The most disappointing thing about Weinergate is the dick pic that Anthony Weiner may or may not have posted to Twitter. That thing was sad! But we're here to show you—er, explain—how it's done.
The photo of Weiner's wiener (or what we assume is his penis) was pathetic. It isn't even a true dong shot, it's a picture of his half-hard penis in his underwear. Snoozeville. And remember the disappointing dong shot that thoroughly embarrassed Brett Favre? Men—especially the ones who are famous—need to realize that when they take pictures of your fifth appendage and send it out to someone else, it will eventually be judged by millions of other people. Before you get out your cell phone, please follow our advice. A dong shot is no laughing matter. After all, it's your balls that are on the line.
As we learned from Mr. Weiner, an underwear dong shot just won't do. First of all it never does a penis justice, even if it's giant and hard. Secondly, when the pictures go public, it belies a false modesty. It says the subject of the picture wanted to send a dong shot, but was too nervous to send the actual dong, and that it's under the sheath of a pair of boxer briefs makes it somehow OK. It's not. The clothed dong shot is sort of like being a little bit pregnant. You might as well just go whole hog.
You wouldn't leave the house with your hair a disgusting mess, would you? Then you shouldn't send around snaps of your package in which it looks all whack. We're not saying to shave off all the hair down there, or wax yourself until you look like an anatomically correct Ken Doll, or, God forbid, "peenjazzle" yourself. But just make sure the hedges aren't too overgrown. And for all of you men out there who are, ahem, short of stature, the less bush means the bigger the cock looks. That's one thing Brett Favre got right.
This is the most important decision you're going to make in the dong shot process: How hard should it be? Now, no woman really wants to look at a penis picture, and she certainly doesn't want to look at a limp dick. However a full erection is a bit on the crass side, even in the realm of XXX text messages. Also, if the person receiving your photo can tell that you're totally hard, then there's no mystery about just how big you really are. I suggest plumping it up into a semi. That way it looks a little bigger than normal, gives the impression of a boner, but still gives the impression that it's going to get even bigger before reaching full mast. That's what you want, for people to think your dick is huge. Just ask Kanye.
A picture of a penis free floating in space won't give any indication of exactly how big the member is. For those on the smaller end of the spectrum, get nice and close and fill up the frame with your wang. Without anything else in the shot, it's going to look like Godzilla attacking Tokyo. For those on the bigger side, don't do anything as cheesy as holding up a ruler or a beer bottle to show just how huge you are. That's just bragging. Make sure that a hand or some other object is close by to put everything to scale.
You want a penis picture to have a bit of an air of mystery. Nothing too bright, but certainly not so dark that the object in question is obscured by the background. And don't use a flash. Never, never, never. Have you ever seen how bad bald people look at Wal-Mart? Exactly.
Work Your Angles
The best way to shoot the dick is from the top down, with the lens pointed toward the feet. Laying down works better than standing. This is the way your prospective partner will be looking at it, so give them a good view. Another acceptable angle is to hold the camera toward the body and point the penis to one side, especially if you are hard and the endowment is large. I would strongly advise against lying down and shooting the underside of the dick, unless you're really tiny and need your balls to add the illusion that you're longer than you truly are.
I would advise against taking photos in the mirror like Craigslist Congressman Chris Lee. This may sound silly, but a dick picture should seem impromptu and intimate, like the sender is so enamored with the sendee that he couldn't help but just whip it out and commemorate it for eternity. Standing in the mirror seems vain, does crazy things to the perspective, and the mirror can give off a lousy glare. Also, pics in the mirror usually end up showing off more than a bit of a torso. If you have a buff body like Congressman Aaron Schock then, please, capture your body from neck to knees. However, if you're a little flabby around the midsection do the world and yourself a favor and keep a tight focus on the body part at hand.
If you're really going to be sending these things out all over Craigslist or posting them on Manhunt or Adult FriendFinder or any other seedy corner of the Internet, do everyone a favor and pay a bit of money for an expert to do it. You can easily find one in the same place that you're going to be going to cruise for sex. Sure, boudoir pics reek a little bit of being Samantha Jones, but if you're going to get a lot of play out of these, you might as well make sure they're of the highest quality. Just remember this isn't going to say "impromptu cock shot" it will say "cyber sex professional" but sometimes that is the vibe that is going to get you laid. Just keep your face out of it. This isn't Playgirl.
[Image via Shutterstock]