Mortgage the hovel! Empty the penny jar! Leverage yourself to the hilt! Scrape together whatever meager nut you can, financially devastated Americans: Groupon is going public. You have to get in on this!

The laser hair removal coupon site has officially filed to go public, and it expects to raise $750 million. How much of that should come from you? As much as possible.

Don't let the petty online detractors and angry foreigners and disgruntled business owners fool you: once-a-day online coupons are the future of the American economy. And if you're not the coupon buyer, buddy, well, you're stuck being the coupon seller, which is even worse. What you want to be is the coupon middleman. And that's why you want to put your money into Groupon. They make nothing, yet they're valued at $25 billion.

This is the most amazing opportunity since grilled cheese sandwiches.

[Photo:Groupon/ Flickr]