You Can Still Afford to Get Cancer!

Melanoma cure! Cancer treatment! Expensive drugs! Flaxseed fail! Risky gays! Wrinkle bones! Smoking bans! Swiss prostitution! And ER hang-out shocker! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—pusillanimously!

  • You have melanoma! But don't worry, some new drug combo thing is showing dramatic success against melanoma! The only side effect is, you get... special powers. Come—I'll show you. Don't be afraid. You're in for the ride of a lifetime. I bet this conversation is happening in so many melanoma places, right now.
  • Forgot to mention, though: you can't afford cancer treatment. But you can still afford cancer.
  • But hey, this new Novartis drug can extend your life for only $5,000 a month, if you have stomach cancer! If I were going to drop some knowledge on stomach cancer patients I would say "Money is just pieces of green paper, get over it. Live a little! Have a nice meal and just smile." Sometimes I think they got cancer for a reason (greed), but I don't say it, because I am the CEO of Novartis.
  • Does flaxseed oil help treat hot flashes in women? No. So... I wonder what else is going on today.
  • The controversy is over: gay and bisexual teens do more "risky things" than straight teens. Like getting beaten up by mobs of teens.
  • Do you have facial wrinkles? Then you also probably have weak bones. Because you're old. And easy to beat up. Just an old gay or bisexual teen, named Benjamin Button. Prepare for the worst, my wrinkly friend.
  • A new study indicates that while bans on indoor smoking may initially cause more smokers to try to quit—but only the smokers who were already thinking about quitting. The dedicated smokers just keep right on smoking in the restroom, or under a tarp. You call this science?
  • Zurich officials are considering legalizing prostitution in certain "zones" throughout the city. Why is this health news? Because the last Swiss prostitute you were with totally has chlamydia. We hear.
  • You know who likes to hang out in emergency rooms? Kids with behavioral problems. Also probably doctors and various hospital support staff, although that isn't addressed in this particular report, so that's purely circumstantial supposition on our part.
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