The titillating saga Weinergate has entered its final and potentially most boring stage. All eyes that aren't ogling sexting porn star Ginger Lee or Anthony Weiner's miraculously smooth chest must now turn to the fully-clothed congressman and ask the big question: Will Weiner survive this?
Even the most charitable observer must allow that Weiner has been a colossal idiot, treating the entire internet as his personal sexy lady buffet, then lying about it for days when he got caught. But Weiner says he will not resign. Whether he can stand his ground, though, remains to be seen.
An ethics investigation is the most likely reason Weiner might step aside, assuming he's serious about serving out his term. A couple details have emerged which suggest Weiner might have broken House rules by using congressional resources to carry on with these women. For starters, Weiner allegedly offered porn star Ginger Lee help from his public relations "team" to orchestrate a cover-up. Whether this was his congressional PR team (bad), or his own private squadron of cockshot PR avengers remains to be seen. Then there's another woman who claims Weiner sex-chatted with her on his official congressional phone. Maybe he could donate the $1.35 those calls cost taxpayers to the World Wildlife Foundation or something?
Weiner is facing pressure on all sides at the moment. For all his fired-up viral vids and cute hashtags, it seems that Democrats don't really like Weiner that much. Nancy Pelosi quickly called for an ethics investigation into whether Weiner broke any House rules by flooding various social networks with pictures of his dick and bare chest. Harry Reid says he can't defend Weiner. And Democrats that aren't actively scolding Weiner are standing around awkwardly, staring at their feet, whistling. Since Weiner's district is solid blue, they're confident they could hold onto the seat in a special election, should Weiner be forced out.
Then there is the growing handsome Hollywood actor problem: Matt Damon just pulled out of a big Weiner fundraiser scheduled to be held June 20th. As Matt Damon goes, so goes the country.
Finally, there is a problem that is the most obviously pressing, but nobody is talking about: Can a man really govern effectively when a full-frontal picture of his penis is in the possession of Andrew Breitbart and perhaps dozens of other internet strangers, to be loosed upon the world at any moment?
Let's say it turns our he hasn't broken any ethics rules. And that he manages to sooth his Democratic colleagues and bring peace and prosperity to his district. Even then, that dick picture—possibly more than one!—is out there somewhere, being passed quietly from inbox to inbox. Lurking just below the surface of the internet, ready at a moment's notice to burst out of the darkness like an enormous, throbbing… distraction.