It was ninety-something degrees in NYC today. Anthony Weiner's penis has been dominating the news for 24 hours now. Hotness besieges us on all sides! Need to beat that heat? Let's beat it together—with this handy list!
- Plastic "kiddie pools" are a great way to cool off for city dwellers who don't have access to full-size pools, but who do have apartments much bigger than yours.
- No A/C? Move into your refrigerator until October.
- Your body produce "sweat" through pores in the skin, which subsequently cools you by pulling heat energy away from the body as it evaporates. Try that.
- "Hey, if you lived in Minnesota you wouldn't be so hot right now." I know, how many times do we have to hear about Minnesota, man? Jesus.
- The twisted tales of Edgar Allen Poe have never failed to chill a reader to the very bone.
- In Opposite Land, it's totally not hot at all right now. Why don't you go live in Opposite Land for a while? Oh, that's right—your felony convictions.
- The temperature never gets too hot—when you live in an igloo! It's very impractical, though.
- Buy an Italian ice and put it down your pants.
- Don't stand directly in the sun, or on a planet warmed by the sun's harsh rays.
- Live underwater.
- Fine, since you keep asking us: yes, yes, a million times yes, it is perfectly legal for a woman to walk around the streets of New York topless. Ladies, you can stop asking now!
- Wearing white clothing will keep you cooler; wearing black clothing looks cooler. Would you rather be cool, or look cool? Let's just say...you don't have to choose. Interpret that kindly, if it makes you feel better.
- It's not that hot. Yeah, keep telling yourself that.