Breastfeed or Your Baby Will Die

Fat man surgery! Epilepsy drugs! Apple poison! DASH diet! Survival rates! Zany parenting! Pet allergies! Medication overdose! And breastfeeding because you love life! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—voraciously!

  • If you're a fat old man who's been thinking about getting weight loss surgery, don't bother. You're going to die soon either way. Don't you feel better? If so, you're probably dead.
  • Hey, there's a new drug for epilepsy. But is it better than PCP? Oh, this one's against epilepsy.
  • Guess what's in your apple pie? Lots of pesticide, and good old-fashioned American values, and a mother's love.
  • The "DASH diet" reportedly does a good job of helping teen girls stay thin. Just be anorexic, cut yourself, do drugs and get a regrettable tattoo. (Didn't read the entire article but obv.)
  • A new study finds that survival rates for several different high-risk surgeries have increased dramatically over the past decade, which comes as good news to a very surprising group: the people getting these surgeries. Didn't mean to say "surprising" there.
  • Breaking, formaldehyde causes cancer. Really now, were there lots of people out there swilling jars of foul-smelling formaldehyde and exclaiming, "It strikes me as doubtful that this is giving me cancer!" And then putting it on their burritos? All you people deserve to get cancer.
  • "When Wives Can't Sleep, Marriage May Suffer." "Child Care Can Help Kids With Depressed Moms." "Mom to transplant womb to daughter." Are these stories all about the same family? If these stories are all about the same family, I'm calling the police.
  • Having a pet as a child might lower your risk of having pet allergies as an adult, which I guess would balance out the time your "nice" German Shepherd ate Timmy—your brother.
  • Here's what parents need to know: first, don't overdose your sick kids with medication; and second, financial literacy is so important.
  • Breastfeeding could literally save your child's life. Then some dude in the bar is like, "Hey, baby, I think I feel some SIDS coming on, wanna help me out?" Dude, you're always taking it too far.
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