Today on his radio program, fat blowhard (and Gawker fan!) Rush Limbaugh announced an exciting new venture: a Rush-branded line of chewable OxyContin tablets. Just kidding! No, Limbaugh is totally not addicted to prescription drugs anymore. No, he's hawking iced tea, because why not?
The stuff is called Two If By Tea. It's steeped in a weird slurry of Tea Party paranoia, false history, American flags, and Bibles, and it tastes just like resentment. It's only available by the case online, features a cartoon of Limbaugh dressed as Paul Revere, and costs about $2 a bottle, because why shouldn't Rush Limbaugh cash in on this Tea Party thing? Some of the profits, he says—a minimum of $100,000—will go to the Marine Corps - Law Enforcement Foundation, which assists the children of Marines and law enforcement officers killed in the line of duty.
The rest of the money will go to support Rush Limbaugh, a horrible monster ruined by drugs and hatred. Two If By Tea is truly a family business. Limbaugh said in his announcement that there's no corporate partner to speak of, and the trademark for the name is held by Karhl Holdings LLC, a Florida company formed late last year that lists Limbaugh's fourth wife Kathryn Rogers as its managing member.
You remember all those rumors about Snapple being affiliated with the Ku Klux Klan? Turns out they were talking about this stuff, from the future.