Don't Try to Pretend Like Your Baby Doesn't Have STDs

Oxy challenges! Dog watching! Jillian Michaels! School health-lunch! Sunscreen changes! Syphilis babies! Stroke prevention! Chantix problems! And people everywhere trying super workout programs! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—childishly!

  • Stupid drug manufacturers are trying to make OxyContin pills harder to get high on, but do you know what Oxy addicts are doing in response? You don't even want to know.
  • A new study reveals that your dog is always watching you, learning, picking up small things, whether you know it or not. Kill your dog because your dog knows too much.
  • Celebrity trainer Jillian Michaels: what can you even say about her? Well, you could say that she's "fit for new challenges." Or you could say she's scary. Scary like a vulture that ate one too many eyeballs off the pile of dead crystal meth addict bodies back down the holler. Either one.
  • The LA school district has banned corn dogs and chicken nuggets from school lunches. I swear to god, if I'm forced to sit through one single Jay Leno joke about this, I'm going to make them wish they'd never, ever done something with such hack comedic potential.
  • So there's lots of new government rules and regulations about sunscreens now. Do you know why they made these changes, and how they affect you? No? Well, whatever, I'm sure that Coppertone shit you have in the cabinet is fine.
  • Syphilis tests could save the lives of half a million babies! Does the baby that your baby is fucking have syphilis? Be a good parent and find out!
  • Can olive oil help prevent a stroke? Jesus Christ, I'm a blogger on the internet, I don't even know what you call the people who research strokes or whatever. What in the world would make you think that I could answer that question with any level of confidence? The mere fact that you're asking me that question says a lot, a LOT. I hope you get a stroke. You deserve it!
  • Yes, you can use the drug Chantix to stop smoking, but it will give you heart problems. Eh, screw it. Screw everything.
  • You know of SUPER SQUATS, do you not? Yes, well. An alert reader has alerted me to this purported "workout" program that has been referred to, by some unnamed persons, as "SUPER BENCH." Super bench? It's beyond ridiculous, end of discussion. You know who needs to add 50 pounds to their benchpress within a seven week period? People lacking innate self-confidence, that's who. Did you know that the SUPER SQUATS program takes only six weeks? You'll have to do better than that, grotesquely chest-fixated maniacs. Super bench? It's nonsense. End of discussion.
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