Unemployment is falling in half the country, but not the most important half: Wall Street. There, the beleaguered derivative-shufflers are facing a third straight month of rising unemployment. Literally thousands of former bankers are now wandering our city's streets, driftless. How will they adjust to life in the post-banker world?
Poorly, in all likelihood. The very least we can do is to offer them some quick advice on their transition from Wall Street to Main Street.
- Don't just walk to the nearest idling black car and get in any more. It's not safe.
- Don't smoke cigars any more. You look ridiculous.
- Golf is for assholes.
- Instead of telling women that you "work in finance," you can tell them about "jerks in finance." Make sure they're drunk first.
- Day trading is a good way to relive the drudgery of your old job, but without making any money.
- Hang your head in shame at all times.
- Look at this as an opportunity: now you can do something different than all those banker drones, by living your dream of becoming a personal trainer. This kind of thinking outside-the-box and marching to your own drummer and moving in the opposite direction of the crowd is a surefire recipe for... oh, wait.
- Copious steroids will ensure that you're still a real man.
- Pawn everything. Just pawn it all.
- Don't hang out in the Financial District. It sucks.