How To Handle Rowdy Teens Without Shooting ThemS

Thomas Dunikowski of Marine Park, Brooklyn, has become a folk hero of sorts among the "I really loved that movie Falling Down" demographic for leaning out of his window with a rifle and opening fire on a group of rowdy teenagers who were raising a ruckus outside his house. (See "purported" video of the shooting here.) Completely unnecessary! It is, in fact, possible to deal with the depths of teen awfulness without resorting to gunshots.

  • Baseball bats work just as well.
  • Calmly approach the rowdy teens and extend your hand in friendship. The other hand is behind your back, holding a taser.
  • Teens respond better when, rather than adopting an overly formal "authority figure" tone, you speak to them in language that they can understand: "I am going to kick your little bitch ass up and down this fucking block if you don't get the fuck out of here by the time I count to ten, motherfucker, so help me god. One. Two." And so on.
  • Challenge the teens to a rap battle. Then win that rap battle.
  • Contrary to popular belief, engaging in a dance-off with gangs of teenagers can backfire. They live for that.
  • If you're surrounded and outnumbered by hostile teens, don't try to be a hero. Just let them tear you apart.
  • Just because you think you should be able to beat up a teenager doesn't necessarily mean that you can. Good motivation to get back to the gym though!!!
  • If all else fails, shoot. No... wait. Don't.
[Photo via Shutterstock]