Synthetic Frankenfood Oil Not a Diet Miracle After All

Orrin nutrition! Vitamin ratings! Blackwell jetski! Olean o-fat! Loyalty benefits! Poison competition! Bulgarian method! Supreme diabetes! And MMA workout secrets of the stars! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—from the sidelines!

  • What does Utah Sen. Orrin Hatch have to do with your health? Well, he's a shill for the "nutritional supplements industry," so not a damn thing.
  • Multivitamins: are they worth a shit? Eh, not really, but then again they don't hurt you too much, so knock yourself out, you fool. Look, here's one shaped like Wilma.
  • Oh, yeah, here's filthy rich Englishman Chris Blackwell's fitness plan: riding jetskis. This keeps him fit, except in comparison to anybody who is actually fit.
  • Hahahahaha: eating those chips made with allegedly not-fat "Olean" will actually make you gain weight. Hahahahaha.
  • Some sort of vague research I can't be bothered with says that there lots of health benefits to, quote, "staying loyal." Loyal to what? To me? To love? To drugs? To cigarettes? To syphilis? It doesn't say. Or maybe it does, who knows.
  • Which of two different deadly poisons should you stick into your face with a needle for purely cosmetic reasons? Better just go with a shotgun, to be safe.
  • Want to get really, really fucking strong? Try the infamous "Bulgarian method:" lift the heaviest weights you possibly can, all day, every day, non stop. Mainline steroids. And be from Bulgaria. The rest is up to god.
  • How did Sonia Sotomayor cope with diabetes? By becoming a Supreme Court Justice. Try it.
  • Want to add mixed martial arts to your workout? Do you have what it takes to get punched in the face by me, repeatedly, whenever I want to take out my frustration, or just amuse myself? Prove it! Prove it again! And again! Clean up that blood! Prove it again now! Kidding, just do some stuff with medicine balls. Ha, look at your face.
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