Obama, Bieber Visits to Turn NYC Into Gridlocked Hellhole

In a rare astronomical convergence, two massive celestial bodies will pass through Manhattan on Thursday. One has the moves of Michael Jackson, a megawatt smile, and has to duck teenage girls' panties wherever he goes. The other is Justin Bieber. But don't plan on getting into, out of, or anywhere around the city in anything besides a subway car: traffic will be a bitch.

President Obama will arrive at approximately 5 p.m., there to attend two fundraiser events: one hosted by Whoopi Goldberg, and another — invariably more fabulous, with elaborate floral centerpieces and authentic Moroccan finger foods — hosted by members of the gay community.

Bieber, meanwhile, will be attending a launch of his new fragrance at Macy's Herald Square. Called "Someday," it's being touted as having "captured the delicate and elusive smell of budding puberty in a bottle," with "lingering base notes of Kleenex and Jergens hand lotion." The first 325 lucky customers to purchase a $135 bottle get to meet the singer in person. The rest of the city gets to sit in a cab, going nowhere.

UPDATE: BIEBER ATTACKED! By a man-fan.

[MyFoxNY, photo via AP]