What's Opening in Theaters This Weekend

On this final weekend of June, you are given the choice of taking the kids with you to see a movie about talking cars, or leaving them at home to fend for themselves and seeing Cameron Diaz swear a lot.

A Better Life

Esteban from Weeds stops being a mean drug dealer and starts being a nice dad trying to give his son a, well, better life. So it's about undocumented immigrants and the American dream and gang violence and all that stuff that swirls around the weird wilds of Southern California. Sounds cheery. (Limited release)


A Love Affair of Sorts

This is a low-budge indie that was shot entirely on cellphone cameras. Right. Because a cellphone camera movie is absolutely worth spending $1 million (what movie tickets cost these days) to see. In related news, I'm almost done editing my Skype movie, Skype! (NY)


Bad Teacher

Cameron Diaz does the important job of showing us that you can be funny and hot, in this movie about swears. This movie is entirely about swears, right? I have not seen anything in the trailers that appears to a be a humor joke other than swears. Remember when Cameron Diaz was in Being John Malkovich and she was so good? And then remember when she became one of the most annoying actresses on the planet shortly thereafter? With all her put-on "guy's girl" bullshit? Sigh. This movie looks horrible, sorry. Unless you like swears! (Wide)


The Best and the Brightest

Neil Patrick Harris plays a dad who wants to get his kid into a tony school so he pretends to be a poet or something in this dreary looking comedy. Is Neil Patrick Harris the Cameron Diaz of gay men? With all his "guy's guy" bullshit and stuff? (Not so much in this movie, but still.) Ugh! Sorry to be all Greta Grumpy today! But there are actors who annoy me who are in movies this weekend. Oh well. This movie also has Amy Sedaris, so that's a good thing. Plus there are probably swears! (NY & LA)


Cars 2

RIP Pixar, 1986 - 2011. (No, obviously Pixar will be just fine, but this poorly reviewed movie does sort of end the streak of rapturously received films they've been putting out since they, well, started making movies, so that's kind of a big deal I guess, that they've finally shown that they are humans who are flawed and not some creepy Devil-blessed operation with a graying portrait somewhere hidden in a closet.) (Wide)


Conan O'Brien Can't Stop

At what point did the saga of Conan's unjust ousting from the Tonight Show desk go from interesting and galvanizing look at backstage showbiz drama to unending chronicle of a multi, multi millionaire mythologizing a slight pothole in his career? Do you know what I mean a little bit? Like, he's funny and great and all, but I'm sorry, we are still talking about a very rich man who spent all of nine months without a television job, right? I suppose hardship is relative, but c'mon. C'mon guys with this Conan O'Brien story. Let's give it a rest. That said, this movie looks good! (Limited)


Double Dhamaal

This is a sequel to a comedy film about "four good-for-nothing jokers." Wow, harsh words, India. Good-for-nothing jokers. That's pretty mean. I would not want to be called a good-for-nothing joker! Even if I was a good-for-nothing joker. (I'd probably know I was anyway, deep down inside, but it would still hurt to hear out loud.) I like that this is a sequel so they put "Double" in front of the title. We should do that in the US. Double Why I Did I Get Married? It'd be great! (Limited)


General Orders No. 9

Basically this movie is a dude wrote a poem about Georgia that he has someone read out loud over beautiful, Malickian footage of various American scenes. He likes nature and doesn't like cities and then the poem ends. Hm. Unless this poem was written entirely on a cellphone, I don't want to see this. I need more gimmick, dude. (NY)


Leap Year

A bored, depressed freelance writer living in Mexico City starts a sexual relationship with some guy in this bleak little indie from an Australian writer/director who has relocated to Mexico. Hm. Seems dubious. Writers don't get laid! (NY)


The Names of Love

A free-wheeling liberal French woman sleeps with conservative men to convert them to her ideology in this whimsical comedy. Hm. Does that work? Interesting. BRB, going to go find Aaron Schock. Also, cute guy alert at 00:49 in this trailer. Spring has sprung! (Limited)


Turtle: The Incredible Journey

This is a documentary about a turtle swimming all over the place, and what, it wants a medal or something? Turtles swim, that's just what they do. I do not support this arrogant turtle bragging about its swimming. This turtle is a jerk! (No, kidding, I love this turtle. Who doesn't love turtles?) (Limited)