Abortion bans! Mouse hemophilia! Diabetes growth! Botox alternative! HIV testing! Undercover patients! Drug warnings! Weight loss! And having AIDS just got a little harder! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!
- A bunch of states are now banning abortions after 20 weeks into pregnancy "on the theory that the fetus can feel pain at that point." I have a theory, too: people are dumb.
- Avastin, the best-selling cancer drug in the world, could soon be banned by the FDA. No, I don't know why. But I bet the doctors know why. And who am I to dispute them? I'm just a future Pulitzer Prize winner, your run-of-the-mill Avastin addict.
- Oh my god, they've cured hemophilia in mice! With a little work they can probably expand this to cure anal cancer in warthogs and restless leg syndrome in marmosets! Don't say we never did nothing for ya, animal kingdom.
- Worldwide diabetes rates are growing at a staggering rate: the number of people with diabetes has doubled since 1980. Once you start thinking of it as Diabesties, it's not so bad.
- Have you gotten botox? You stupid idiot. Don't you know that botox alternative Dysport was recently found to be better at erasing "crow's feet" than botox is? Oh, you didn't get botox for crow's feet, it was for some other reason like you just like botulism, all up in your face? You fool.
- "National HIV Testing Day: What you need to know." Yeah, so it's national HIV testing day, and... I guess that's about it. I mean I guess you don't really need to know that even, it's more of a situation where certain people should know it, but overall it's optional to know it, so... ugh, god. I don't write the headlines, seriously. I just got this job out of desperation, man. Desperation for depravity.
- Oh great, the NObama administration is sending fake patients undercover to YOUR family doctor's office to entrap him into becoming an unwilling advocate for socialized medicine. Also these patients will have swords.
- The FDA has issued new warnings for Procrit, Epogen, and Aranesp. But what about Betazet? And Schemazoid? And Lupateen? And Eximelt? And Haversnop? And Cooshibod? And Forkydue? And Opsentile? And Zipperhore? And Poodadrip? Are we really safe?
- Cutting calories is the key to weight loss, according to a story which is purportedly "news" in the year 2011. So, calories, not prayer. It's settled.
- Using anti-AIDS drugs can cause premature aging. So can not using anti-AIDS drugs.