America's Idea of 'Ultimate Fitness System' Is Videogames, FidgetingS

Heart exercise! Male infertility! Blood transfusion! Belly fat! Boomer exercise! Smashing drumsticks! Fidget fitness! UFC games! And the Ultimate Fitness System, revealed! It's your Tuesday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—begrudgingly!

  • What should you do if you have a bad heart? Push yourself, damn it! Run like you've never run before! Sweat like you've never sweated! Exercise until you pass out, and die! With any luck it will be from an aneurysm not a heart attack. Take that, bad hearts!
  • Let me ask you a question sir, do you know why you have infertility? Well, it could be lots of things. Do you have a penis? Yes? Hmmm.
  • "Do You Really Need a Blood Transfusion?" Eh, I guess not.
  • One more reason to get rid of that stubborn belly fat: it will make you get eye disease when you're a middle aged man. But not if you're a woman! I guess it's true what they say, women are fat but so what?
  • Oh great, Billie Jean King is talking about fitness for boomers. If you teach boomers how to be fit, Billie, do you even know what will happen? Next thing they'll be walking around our streets, unchecked. Ugh.
  • "New Hollywood fitness fave: drumstick-smashing." Hollywood! What will they think of next? And all that wasted chicken! We bemoan these crazes, for the record!
  • Fidgeting can make you fit. Also, scratching your ear can make you smart and blinking can make you taller. But seriously, fidgeting can make you fit.
  • Is a UFC videogame really "The Ultimate Fitness System?" No. No it's not.
  • Here's how a UFC champion trains. No videogames involved, how weird! But of course that is still not the Ultimate Fitness System. That would be this. Duh.
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