President Obama held a press conference at the White House today! The questions came fast and furious — actually rather slowly, since he talks for 10 minutes at a time — and now all Americans are 100% informed about every issue. Here's an executive summary.

Gay Stuff: He has not yet finished "evolving" his position on gay marriage back to what it was in 1996 yet. He did say, however, "I'm not going to make news on that today." See that? "Today"? Oh ho ho! know what's great though, anyway? Acceptance of gay marriage is already growing at a rapid clip, even without the president's formal tip o' the cap. This is a healthy politics, where the president's personal opinions about things don't matter and activists go out and win it for themselves.

"Corporate Jet Tax Breaks," And Other Things That Don't Shift Narratives: Democratic pollsters seem to have been focus-grouping "tax breaks for corporate jets" about 800 times in the last week and gotten decent results, because it is all Obama says now. "Republicans walked out of our deficit discussion to protect tax breaks for corporate jets," "Why can't Republicans tax corporate jets," "You know what those Republican dicks love, they love their corporate jet tax breaks." Democrats usually introduce these transparently cutesy lines as their grand political philosophies when they're preparing to lose. Watch, soon, as Obama cinches the deficit reduction deal by allowing Republicans to totally privatize Social Security and repeal the 13th Amendment in exchange for ending these "corporate jet tax breaks," and then declares victory for some reason.

Raise the Debt Ceiling, You Ungodly Clowns: The most important thing for Obama to explain today was details surrounding the debt limit debate, and he did a fine job. The public is completely misinformed on this issue, not out of stupidity, but because representatives lie to their constituents about the debt ceiling and the news media goes right along with them. Please send this video to your friends who haven't yet figured out that refusing to raise the debt ceiling by August 2 would be the single most insane public policy decision in the history of mankind, given how avoidable it is (you just need to vote once!) versus the possible consequences (collapse of dollar-based global economic system). As Obama notes, the Republican House has already passed the appropriations bills that will push us over the debt limit. The ceiling is not being raised to finance wild, new adventures from the Obama administration. So raise the fucker.

Obama also slaps away these toxic, goalpost-shifting theories about whether missing the early August deadline would be so bad after all. Creditors and ratings agencies would understand if we were a "few days late," right? Yes, IF YOU CONSIDER A "D" CREDIT RATING A FORM OF UNDERSTANDING:

The United States would immediately have its top-notch credit rating slashed to "selective default" if it misses a debt payment on August 4, Standard & Poor's managing director John Chambers told Reuters.

Chambers, who is also the chairman of S&P's sovereign ratings committee, told Reuters on Tuesday that U.S. Treasury bills maturing on August 4 would be rated 'D' if the government fails to honor them. Unaffected Treasuries would be downgraded as well, but not as sharply, he said.

[Photo via AP]