What's Opening in Theaters This Weekend

Well, it's the biggest holiday weekend of the summer and hopefully you're headed off to some lake or beach or house in the woods to celebrate the old-fashioned way. If not, go to a movie. There are robots! And Julia Roberts!

Crime After Crime

This Sundance documentary tells the story of the legal fight to get a woman out of prison. So it's about the frustratingly Byzantine American justice system and about the tragedy of time lost and the gray shades of what defines crime. A perfect movie to see on the nation's birthday! (NY & LA)


Delhi Belly

While other cultures can often seem strange and confusing and impenetrably foreign, there is one universal commodity we can always rely on to help bridge the dizzying divide: poop and farts. I mean, laughing at poop and farts. It's just something human beings the entire globe over, even the English, really like to do. So here's India's entry in the Poop & Fart movie genre. Welcome, guys. (Limited)


Larry Crowne

Two old people, one who everyone still loves and the other who everyone used to love, get together in this genial American comedy that wistfully remembers the days when two movie stars could carry a romantic comedy all on their own. No gimmicky, trendy hook. No obnoxious rearranging of time set to Regina Spektor songs. ((500) Days of Shut the Hell Up, am I right?) Just two spark plug movie stars sparking at each other for two sparkly hours. Of course this movie is a grim shadowbaby of that era, a hideous replica that should be burned with fires, but at least someone's trying to remember the good old days. At least that. (Wide)


Love Etc.

A bunch of asshole New Yorkers brag about how they're in love and getting married and having kids and stuff and whatever, some of us like ordering delivery for one and watching Luke & Noah clips on YouTube by ourselves until we're out of bourbon which means it's time to go to bed. You jerks can have your love, whatever. Ahem. Interestingly, theater/Weeds director Scott Ellis is one of the featured subjects in this documentary. Strange! Also: Hot dad alert! (NY & LA)


Monte Carlo

If it rains this weekend and you're in charge of looking after the younger cousins, and they're maybe too old (or they think they're too old) for Cars 2 or whatever, and there are more girls than boys, then I guess go see this. One cousin will probably tease the other cousin by saying like "Ooooh Joey lovessss Selena Gomez, don't you Joey???" and Joey will say "I do not! Shut up!" but you can tell that Joey totally likes Selena Gomez and man it's weird that everyone's getting older, which means you're getting older, which means you're a near-30-year-old watching Monte Carlo when you could be at Jane's uncles' house in Nantucket but you said no for some reason and there's another Fourth of July gone. Oh well. Enjoy! (Wide)


The Perfect Host

After Daphne leaves him because of his, ahem, "tendencies," Niles Crane goes crazy and ends up torturing a guy who tried to rob him while also hosting a dinner party. Creeepy! I haven't seen this movie or really read anything about it, but you can kind of already tell from the trailer that both Roz and Eddie get killed. I mean, it was bound to happen someday. (Limited)


Small Town Murder Songs

A fun cast (Peter Stormare, Jill Hennessy, Martha Plimpton) acts in this Coensy drama about a small town police chief who nobody really has any faith in trying to solve a murder in rural Ontario. The New York Times liked it! Looks good to me. Who doesn't love Martha Plimpton? (NY)


Terri

John C. Reilly tries to get through to a sad, galoompfing teenager in this sad little indie comedy. The important thing here is that Tim Heidecker plays a gym teacher, and that is a very funny idea. (Limited)


Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I could talk to you about how utterly nonsensical the other two movie in this series have been. I could talk to you about how shitty Michael Bay and Shia LaBeouf have been while doing press for these movies. I could tell you to not, for the of all that is good and true, see this movie. Or I could just tell you to read this. I think I'll do that last one. Read that. (Fucking everywhere)