Some Fireworks Safety Tips for Tonight

Happy Independence Day, America! And what better way to celebrate President Whitmore's famous speech than with fireworks? But please, be safe! We've collected some important fireworks safety tips here. Print out several copies and bring them to your barbecue! It's a great way to make friends.

  • Stay as far away as possible from the fireworks staging area by traveling to a state where fireworks are illegal.
  • Wear protective goggles and gloves when lighting fireworks, unless babes are around and you don't want to look like a tool.
  • Don't wear tank tops or flip-flops! Fireworks deserve respect; business casual is appropriate.
  • Keep a first aid kit on hand on case anyone needs Immodium AD or some of those flimsy little scissors.
  • If someone sustains a really gnarly injury, make sure you take photographs of it and put them on Facebook immediately.
  • Sparklers can be a great, safe alternative to having actual fun.
  • Under no circumstances should children be allowed to handle or light fireworks. If your child even looks at a firework call the police and turn yourself in for negligence.
  • If fireworks are illegal in your municipality, don't set off one of those special ones that turns into a picture of your face, because then police will be able to recognize you.
  • See if you can get invited to Redman's party.
  • Don't attach fireworks to your rollerskates! Attach them to your rollerblades, for better aerodynamics. (Science!)
  • Make sure you have a garden hose or bucket of water on hand. Lighting fireworks can make you thirsty!
  • Have you had a little bit to drink? Why don't you let someone else set off fireworks? No, I'm not trying to undermine you. No, you calm down. Calm down. Everyone's looking at us. Whatever! Fine! Blow your hand off! I'm going to go wait in the car.