Chantix doom! Colon cancer! Fetus drugs! Stem cells! Late talkers! The stroke belt! And women dropping dead at any moment! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—counterproductively!

  • Are you taking Chantix to stop smoking? You stupid, weak, fool idiot. Not only will it make you commit suicide but it will also give you heart problems. God, you might as well just smoke, and enjoy a frosty glass of cyanide, which you love, what's the dif?
  • Here's a story that says if you have back pain you should "try massage." Why not try rolling around on a huge pile of gold nuggets, instead? Jeez if we could afford massages we wouldn't even have back pain! Elites!
  • If your toddler didn't start talking till way late, don't worry, new research says that late-talking kids grow up to be just fine. Stupid, but fine.
  • Do you live in America's "stroke belt," where the only thing more likely than you having a stroke is you getting incredibly dumb, as you age? If you live down South the answer is yes, and you better leave but quick.
  • The good news: fewer Americans are dying of colon cancer. The bad news: We're out of the halibut special tonight guys, sorry!
  • Now the government is actually reaching into your womb (if you have one) with a government hand made of drugs to program your fetus to be a better fetus. In England, so it's good, cause they probably need the help.
  • Wanna get rich? Work for the state agency that does stem cell stuff! Or probably hedge funds would also work.
  • Sure, health experts are telling lazy Americans that even a "little bit of exercise" will have health benefits for them. But you know whose attitude will never let them deadlift a thousand pounds I bet? Health experts.
  • "Healthy Lifestyle Makes Women Less Likely to Die Suddenly." Unless Wayne is around.

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