You may not have noticed, but former New Mexico Gary Johnson is still running for the Republican presidential nomination! Oh, you didn't know in the first place? He's like this libertarian type guy who doesn't get invited to Republican debates anymore, and is now desperately relying on poker players to carry him to the nomination.
Johnson has set up a fundraising page for poker players, promising to protect online gamblers' rights from the long dick of the federal government. "Support me for President, and I'll support your freedom," he writes. See? We told you he was a libertarian. But unfortunately, Ron Paul is also running, and there's only enough room in this primary for one candidate who offends socially conservative voting blocs to their very core but can stick around anyway.