Michele Bachmann Is First To Sign Iowa's Delightful 'Marriage Vow'

An Iowa organization called The Family Leader has drawn up an extremely well detailed pledge for the Republican presidential candidates to sign called "The Marriage Vow." According to the group's CEO, the new pledge is "vitally necessary because the sanctity of marriage is in crisis and leadership is desperately needed." And now Michele Bachmann has become the first candidate to sign it! So what's in this beaut of a pledge?

"The Marriage Vow" is a two-page document, followed by two additional pages of small-font endnotes which sort of "clear things up." For example: The first item in the pledge is "Personal fidelity to my spouse. (9)" So is hilarious cheater Newt Gingrich already unable to sign it? We'll have to check out endnote no. (9), for illumination:

9 — As applicable if married now, wed in the future, or whenever interacting with another's spouse, a person of the opposite sex or of personal attraction. No signer herein claims to be without past wrongdoing, including that of adultery. Yet going forward, each hereby vows fidelity to his or her marital vows, to his or her spouse, to all strictures and commandments against adultery, and to resist the lure of pornography destructive to marital intimacy.

So Newt Gingrich's constant adultery in the past is no matter. And if he were to sign the pledge right now, he'd keep his word for at least another ~11 hours, until wifey goes to bed and he checks in on his array of niche porn sites.

Here are some — some! — of the other items contained in this Vow:

  • "Respect for the marital bonds of others." Don't make your neighbor a cuckold.
  • "Official fidelity to the U.S. Constitution, supporting the elevation of none but faithful constitutionalists as judges or justices." Don't go sleeping around with other Constitutions.
  • "Vigorous opposition to any redefinition of the Institution of Marriage – faithful monogamy between one man and one woman – through statutory-, bureaucratic-, or court-imposed recognition of intimate unions which are bigamous, polygamous, polyandrous, same-sex, etc." FUCK THE GAYS! (NOT LITERALLY!)
  • "Earnest, bona fide legal advocacy for the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) at the federal and state levels. Steadfast embrace of a federal Marriage Amendment to the U.S. Constitution which protects the definition of marriage as between one man and one woman in all of the United States." Can you feel the desperation here?
  • "Rejection of Sharia Islam and all other anti-woman, anti-human rights forms of totalitarian control." Anything but this!
  • And my favorite: "Commitment to downsizing government and the enormous burden upon American families of the USA‟s $14.3 trillion public debt, its $77 trillion in unfunded liabilities, its $1.5 trillion federal deficit, and its $3.5 trillion federal budget." Again, this is in "The Marriage Vow." See what they did there?

If only we had enough time to work through more endnotes! Alas.

Who will be next to sign this, after Bachmann? Perhaps Tim Pawlenty. He'll do anything. Then again, he does love him some Muslim Mortgages, which would be banned under "The Marriage Vow."

And while most spouses shouldn't be forced to sign the pledge, maybe there should be an exception for Marcus "Mr. Michele" Bachmann? Just in case he has any, you know... tendencies?

[Image via AP]