What's Opening in Theaters This Weekend

Now that BBQing and fireworking and all that is done for the summer, it's time to get back to the movies. Debuting this weekend we have bad bosses, badass rappers, and bad Kevin James comedy.

Beats, Rhymes, & Life: The Travels of a Tribe Called Quest

Actor Michael Rapaport of all people catches up with seminal hip hop outfit A Tribe Called Quest to get the dish on their back story and see where they're headed now. Take your teenager who thinks Kanye West is the end all be all of hip hop to see this. (Limited)


The Chameleon

An eclectic cast of Famke Janssen, Ellen Barkin, Nick Stahl, and Emilie de Ravin star in this mystery thriller about a boy who returns from being kidnapped for many years and is a little off. I know when you see a movie called The Chameleon you immediately think it's a documentary about Katie Cassidy's acting process, but no, it's not. Not this time, anyway. (Limited)


Fading of the Cries

This very high-budget looking fantasy movie features actor Thomas Ian Nichols. So do you think I'm setting myself up for disappointment when I say I really hope there's a "Pitcher's got a big butt" reference embedded somewhere in the film? (NY, LA)


Horrible Bosses

A lonely spinster decides to have some fun with her guy friends in this sad (is there any other kind?) Jennifer Aniston comedy. Everyone sort of smiles sadly and says "Oh... poor Jen," because the truth of it is that she's sort of the least funny person in the movie, it's not her fault it's just the way it's written isn't great, and then everyone feels even worse for her and it's such a shame that she's such a lonely, miserable woman. Ah well. Whatever gets her up in the morning, right? That's what's important here. (Wide)


Ironclad

This is a medieval action drama about King John (Paul Giamatti) being mad that everyone made him sign the Magna Carta. So the Magna Carta was like the first Constitution right? Which would make Paul Giamatti Obama and all the people he murders for liking their freedoms would be the Tea Partiers? Are we sure this isn't just the Sarah Palin documentary? Paul, what are you doing in the Sarah Palin documentary? (Limited)


John Carpenter's The Ward

Amber Heard plays an institutionalized woman who becomes possessed by a mean ghost in this horror movie from the director of Halloween. Speaking of the Tea Partiers, you know what Michele Bachmann's husband would say about this? He'd say "Amber Heard is herself possessed by the demon ghost of lesbianism." Then he'd look down at the ground and gasp and say "Oh goodness but I love her shoes." (Limited)


The Ledge

Charlie Hunnam, Liv Tyler, and Patrick Wilson star in this thriller about religious fundamentalism. Patrick Wilson catches his wife (Hunnam, just kidding Tyler) sleeping with a man (Marcus Bachmann, just kidding Hunnam) and gets so mad that he forces Hunnam out onto a ledge (like in the title) and then Terrence Howard tries to talk him down. Sounds complicated. (Limited)


Project Nim

This is a documentary about a chimpanzee that goes to live in a family's house. So basically this is a documentary about what I desperately wanted to happen when I was like eight years old, because omigod a monkey living in your house? Heaven is for real, Colton Burpo. It really is. Oh wait, but then in the documentary things go kind of awry, not like that terrible face accident awry, but awry anyway. So maybe eight-year-old me really didn't know what was best. (Limited)


Romeo & Juliet in Yiddish

This is a Romeo & Juliet type tale infused with magic and planted in Jewish Brooklyn. I'd type that in Yiddish, but you wouldn't understand it. (Limited)


The Sleeping Beauty

This is just your typical everyday movie about a princess who falls asleep and then, in her dreams, wanders through a magical sex fantasmagoria and discovers things about her body and her heart and mind. Oh, I should mention this is French. It's a typical and everyday French movie. It's a bonkers fucking nuts American movie. (NY)


Zookeeper

Kevin James farts and falls down for two hours and you just paid $60 to take your family to see it. So just think about that on your minivan ride home. (Wide)