Jennifer Aniston Is Back in the Game

Some would argue that she never left, that she's just staying in it, but either way, her new movie performed pretty well. So did Transformers, duh. Though Zookeeper fared less well.

1) Transformers: Stink Blast 3D — $47M
Scrimp scrormp (that's the sound of the robot monsters), they did it again. No one really doubted they would, there wasn't much competition, so ho hum. But next week. Ohh next week. Next week a diminutive wizard and his sexy friends are going to come flying in on their magic phalli and spell-slam these tinker tonkers out of the motherfucking water. Shia LaBeef and Lips McGee or whatever the new hooker/doormat is named will be avada kedavra'd right where they stand and that big gay uncle robot, Optimus Prime, well he'll be sent to the junkyard as scrap. Oh it's going to be glorious when Harry and his wizard clan come and destroy all this awful clanging noise. Eventually, of course, something else will come and destroy them too, but for a week or two we'll be living under wizard rule, pledging fealty to King Ron the Red Destroyer, and it will be wonderful.

2) Horrible Bosses — $28.1M
This vaguely titled comedy — what could it possibly be about?? — did a nice bit of business this weekend, proving to some that this is the summer of the R-rated comedy. Between this, Bridesmaids, Hangover 2: Too Hangover, and Bad Teacher, people really want to watch people swear this season. "Hon, want to go see Green Lantern?" "No, I think I'd rather watch people swear." "Oh, good idea. I'll buy the tickets." Was that eerily like a conversation you had with your own basement slave named Hon? I'll bet it is. You're so nice to take the poor thing to the movies once in a while. But yes, anyway, swears: get into 'em. And Jennifer Aniston! Get into her! Yeah, yeah, there are a bunch of other people in this movie, but mostly this is a victory for Jennifer Aniston, because any day when some small speck of good news happens for her, rather than the usual onslaught of daily indignities and quiet little miseries, that's a victory for her. That's one less day spent curled up on the outdoor daybed, listening to the windchimes, those clanging things that are as hollow as her heart. It's one less day of pawing open a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and being a bit woozy by 4pm, the sun hot and thick on her brown, bored skin, bugs buzzing in the trees, a faraway dog bark warning her of something.

3) Zookeeper — $21M
When, one brisk and rain-spattered spring day, James Ivory found a mostly finished screenplay in Ismail Merchant's old writing desk, he swore to Merchant's memory that he would finish it and film it. And thus was born Zookeeper. As the project developed, of course, Ivory became confused as to why his longtime professional and personal partner had written a movie about a great big fat person falling down and talking to asshole animals, but a promise is a promise, so he continued and directed Merchant's movie as best he could. It's a sweet, romantic story, the making of this movie, one that can't be sullied even by Kevin James running by, farts pouring out in great gushes, a horny gorilla hot on his tail.

4) Cars 2 — $15.2M
For those few people who didn't want swears or Explode-O-Robots or FatFartz this weekend, there was Cars, a movie that still has another $50 million to go if it wants to make back its budget. (Domestically, at least.) Not Pixar's finest hour. But not to be its worst, either. Just you wait for a few years from now when someone finds a previously unknown John Lasseter screenplay and it's all about Rob Schneider wearing a dress and peeing on things and everyone's like "Uh... OK, well... I guess we, uh, gotta make it. Let's do this thing, Pixar." Of course that scenario sort of requires John Lasseter to be dead a few years from now, which is a terrible scenario that no one wants to happen, but if it does, if it manages to happen, keep an eye out for Innkeeper, about Rob Schneider running an inn by himself and pretending to be all different kinds of people, including a Latina maid, all to impress a girl (a bored-looking Rachel Bilson). It'll be huge.

5) Bad Teacher — $9M
So I suppose now we'll be getting a little Cameron Diaz renaissance, huh? I suppose she'll be doing a spate of movies now that she's a comedy star again. So brace yourself for that. Maybe we'll finally get a Sweetest Thing 2, which everyone's been so loudly clamoring for all these years. That's just what everyone's been asking for, more than anything, for nearly a decade now. It's time, Hollywood. Give us what we want. (You know what annoys me most about The Sweetest Thing, which is one of the more annoying movies ever made? The title. The title has absolutely nothing to do with the movie whatsoever. It's just a boring general kind of platitude that reminds us of a tinkly little U2 song. A stupid title like Bad Teacher or Horrible Bosses might be too blunt, but at least it makes sense. The Sweetest Thing? None, no sense. Dumb. I hate it.)