Minnesota Shutdown Blues: No Beer, No Cigarettes, and Poop Everywhere

The ongoing Minnesota government shutdown is dragging the state into a new phase of No Fun Whatsoever, due to the shuttered state offices and programs that aren't handling day-to-day matters as usual. Do you Minnesotans like to drink beer or smoke cigarettes or not see poopy everywhere? Then for now, at least, you'll have to pack up your bindles and migrate down Iowa-way.

Many bars, restaurants and stores, who'd stocked up on alcohol when they saw the shutdown looming, have still nearly depleted their inventory — and if they weren't able to renew their state liquor purchasing cards during the mad pre-shutdown rush, they'll be shit out of luck until the government reopens. And as for cigarettes, the Star Tribune reports, the government has "stopped issuing the tax stamps that distributors must glue to the bottom of every pack before it's sold for retail."

But even the vendors whose liquor purchasing cards aren't expiring won't be able to buy much. The shutdown is creating its own problems for certain mass producers of these alcohols, who didn't have time to renew their brand label registrations:

The state's government shutdown, now in its 13th day, will soon force MillerCoors to pull its beer from Minnesota liquor stores, bars and restaurants. A state official says the law requires the company to stop selling products like Coors Light, Miller Lite and Blue Moon imminently. [...]

Here is a list of the beers that are affected:

Blue Moon Pale Moon Belgian Style Pale Ale, Coors Banquet, Coors Light, Coors Light 3.2, Foster's Lager Beer, Foster's Premium Ale, Grolsch Amber Ale, Grolsch Blonde Lager, Grolsch Light Lager, Grolsch Premium Lager, Hamm's, Hamm's Genuine Draft Style, Hamm's Special Light, Henry Weinhard's Dark, Henry Weinhard's Hefeweizen, Henry Weinhard's Pale Ale, Henry Weinhard's Private Reserve, Icehouse Beer, Keystone Light Beer 3.2, Killians Irish Red 3.2, MGD Light 64, Mickey's Ice Ale, Mickey's Malt Liquor, Miller Genuine Draft, Miller High Life 12/16 oz can, Miller High Life Ice, Miller High Life Light 12 oz can, Miller Lite 3.2%, Miller Lite Beer, Milwaukee's Best #1 , Milwaukee's Best Ice, Milwaukee's Best Light #1 3.2, Molson Canadian, Molson Canadian Light, Molson Golden, Molson Ice, Molson XXX, Olde English 800 Malt Liquor, Sparks Light

Eh, who needs these drinks anyw— WAIT, NO SPARKS LIGHT? So much for breakfast, you fucking fascists!

What are these poor Minnesotans supposed to do for fun now? It looks like they're rediscovering the old American pastime of shittin' on the ground with your buddies:

Another problem appears to have surfaced after picnickers and nature-seekers enter: Nature calls - and restrooms are locked.

While such [state] parks normally are bustling with people - and have facilities to serve them - the relative seclusion appears to have emboldened some to do their business along trails and other areas where no Minnesotan would normally dare to squat.

"People are taking it upon themselves to go out in the woods and relieve themselves, and without the presence of employees and others, they're not picking up after themselves," Konrad said. "People are also having a tendency not to pick up after their pets."

Don't laugh, other 49 states. It's only a matter of time.

[Image via AP]