What's Opening in Theaters This WeekendS

Though the little meddling wizard boy is on most everyone's mind this movie weekend, there are a couple of other things opening—things about fundamentalists, girlfriends, and a honey-mad bear, to name three—that could satisfy all you anti-Potter Death Eater types out there.

Girlfriend

This indie, about a man with Down Syndrome who basically bribes a woman into getting romantic with him thus enraging her boyfriend, is the kind of thing that will weirdly only ever been seen by a bunch of teenage girls, because the boyfriend is played by Jackson Rathbone, who plays one of the sexvamps in Twilight. Like how the only people that ever saw that weird Canadian movie The Boys Club were Devon Sawa fans. (Limited)


Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

The series is ending and it is sad, but at least we have this last thing. And oh man the Battle of Hogwarts is going to be so crazy! And all those people that die! Bring a hanky everyone, that's all I'm saying. I mean, as a general rule you should carry a hanky with you at all times. Just in case. (Everywhere, including Diagon Alley)


Life, Above All

This Cannes hit about a South Africa-set drama about a girl shunned by her town because of AIDS cases in her family is sure to make you feel really good about the world this fine summer weekend. Sigh. Remember that hanky? Get it out again. (NY, LA)


Lucky

Colin Hanks and Ari Graynor star in this comedy about a serial killer who wins the lottery. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I increasingly have a hard time laughing at people being murdered. Like, even car chase scenes in action movies make me sad because of all the regular people who just died in car accidents so the good car and the bad car could get through faster. So this thing doesn't look all that amusing to me. That said, Jeffery Tambor, Mimi Rogers, and Ann-Margaret are all in it, so that's definitely a plus. (NY, LA)


Salvation Boulevard

This star-studded (Greg Kinnear, Pierce Brosnan, Jennifer Connelly, Marisa Tomei) Sundance favorite is all about religious extremism and the lengths people will go to defend what they believe. It looks sort of fun, but also like it might feel a bit oddly toothless in the way that Thank You For Smoking did. Do you know what I mean? Like the points being made were sorta tired, obvious points? I don't know. It's got Marisa Tomei, so it's got that going for it. (Limited)


Snow Flower and the Secret Fan

Joy Luck Club director Wayne Wang once again tells a story of several generations of Chinese women. This one spans a lot of generations, though, and seems to mostly be a pretty-looking period piece about two young girls in olden times who become friends and use their bond to weather the injustices done to women at the time. Might be another hanky movie! (Limited)


Tabloid

I had a chance to see a screening of this whacked-out Erroll Morris documentary this week and it is pretty good! While the story of a beauty queen kidnapping a Mormon missionary and doing sex to him is interesting, it's really the pleasure of spending some time with the beauty queen, true original Joyce McKinney, that's the draw. She's really weird guys! (Limited)


The Tree

Why don't you just keep the hanky out from now on, huh? This movie is about Charlotte Gainsbourg learning to live again after the death of her husband. It's also about an enormous tree that's a metaphor for something but it seems sort of vague. I guess it's a metaphor for life. Aren't most things though, when you think about it? Like, hey, this blog post is a metaphor for life! It's long, pointless, and full of crazy people. See?? (Limited)


The Undefeated

This documentary about political genius Sarah Palin has the best movie title of the year! I mean, it should be called The Defeated or The Quitted, but it is not, it is called The Undefeated. Haha, oh well. We all know Sarah Palin's a dumb, evil snow monster, so whatever we probably won't see this. But it does exist! And it does win Best Title at the Title Awards. (Conservatives-only cities like San Diego, Oklahoma City, Phoenix, and Dallas. Sorry, New York.)


Winnie the Pooh

In this grim gonzo sex "horrorcore" movie, a gluttonous, perpetually pantsless bear roams the countryside stealing food. He's joined by a suicidal donkey with a horrifying tail injury and a raving mad psychopathic tiger. The tale gets more horrifying when they come into contact with a little human boy and involve him in their sick games. There's a whole honey bukkake scene and I'm pretty sure Piglet murders Kanga or Roo. Just terrible. (Wide)