Jocks Are Brain-Dead, Nerds Are Fat, Stoners Are in Jail

Football brain! Marijuana narcs! Mosquito booze! Grandparents driving! Children sleeping! Teens drinking! Pediatricians lecturing! Big forks! And killer homemade drinks that kill! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—no-nonsensically!

  • A new study found that if you played football or did some other thing to give yourself head injuries, then you're much more likely to get dementia when you're old. Could be any traumatic brain injury, but if you're going to get one, why not do it in a fun way, like football? Unless you don't think football is fun, which it's not, what with all the hitting.
  • Have you heard about the new federal memo on medical marijuana that makes it sound like the feds are going to start cracking down on legal weed again? It's better that you don't.
  • Drinking booze gets you bit by more mosquitoes. And chicks. Gotta sacrifice, man.
  • When are you safest in a car? When your grandparents are driving. Unless they're dead.
  • Letting your child sleep in your bed will not harm their "intellectual or social development." Unless you're dead.
  • Binge drinking can do permanent damage to the memories of teens—especially teenage girls. Dude that is so perfect. All that "statutory" shit, you know.
  • Turns out that heavy, overweight teens are the ones who aren't getting talks from their doctors about how overweight they are and how they better stop eating so fucking much before they catch diabetes and a heart murmur and girls don't like them and they never get picked at sports and they have to waddle and they can't wear cool clothes and, hey, newsflash, kids, Big Pun died young and I bet he didn't think that was so cool no matter what he said on rap records about getting lots of girls, don't you think the money and the fame played a bigger factor in that than his massive girth, which was, in all likelihood, a negative indicator of his pimping status, rather than a positive one? I mean use your head. For not eating.
  • If you use a big fork, you eat less. Yeah right.
  • In Ecuador, bootleg liquor just killed 21(!) people. Man. At least they went out in true party person fashion: blind, hypoxic, and smelling of methanol and death.
[Photo: AP]