Hating the heat? Come to Vancouver! Hottest summer day so far: 77 degrees. And don't worry about getting a sunburn, we haven't had more than three days in a row of sun, just clouds and rain.
Kidding! Don't come, this has been a crappy amateur blowjob of a summer. As in "Hooray I'm getting a Summer! Oh it's not that good. Ouch, watch the rain. Forget it, just go back to Springing me."
True Fact: On Wednesday, Moorhead Minnesota was the hottest and most humid place on the planet. Heat index of 137.
Take that, asshole Yahoo weather story commenters who say we Minnesotans are just whining about ordinary heat and should "try living in Arizona."
Now the East Coast is getting our heat wave — sorry about that.
It's so hot that some Republicans in the House of Representatives just formed the Iced Tea Party Caucus.
I get quite annoyed when I hear southerners (and by southerners, I mean Texans) telling us NY'ers to "suck it up; your heat is nothing compared to ours". If you have ever been to NYC, you would know that between the teeming masses of zaftig tourists, the fact that we are on an ISLAND (I'm not looking at you, The Bronx), and our tear-inducing subway system, our heat simply cannot be measured by temperature. Our heat is an omniscient/omnipotent force that breaks up couples due to lack of sex ("Get off me! It's too hot for that shit"), makes boob-laden men rip off their shirts in maniacal glee, and makes me sit next to a poop-panted bum just because he resides in the only A/C subway car on the C train.
I'm a Southerner (NC) who routinely travels to New York. In August. I mean Southern heat is bad and all, but NYC heat is a whole other thing. I think it's mostly because every single surface in the city, from the roads to the sidewalks to the buildings, absorbs heat and projects it back onto you. And in the middle of the day, shade can be hard to come by if you're just walking down the street. It's like stepping into a kiln.
(Ed. note: Yupppp. I've been in the south in the summahtime and it is HOT, but NYC heat is HORT. Too many people and buildings!)
I love making lap broth.
[Photo via Getty]